BoJack Horseman Wiki

These are the quotes for The View from Halfway Down, which is the 75th episode overall of BoJack Horseman.

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NOTE: This entirety of this episode is BoJack's dream sequence.

NOTE: Secretariat takes the role of BoJack's father in this episode, this is due to BoJack seeing him as more of a fatherly figure than his actual father Butterscotch Horseman.

Scene 1: Beatrice's Mansion: Front Entrance[]

[BoJack rings the doorbell. He is seen holding a hydrangea plant and he is with a three-year-old Sarah Lynn]

Sarah Lynn: What you got there?

BoJack: I think it's a hydrangea.

Sarah Lynn: Does she even like that kind of plant?

BoJack: Probably not. She doesn't like anything.

Beatrice: [Opens door] Hello BoJack.

BoJack: Thanks for having me, Mom.

Beatrice: You're the guest of honor. Everyone, BoJack is here!

Herb: Hey buddy! Get in here!

[Sarah Lynn giggles and runs into the living room from the foyer]

BoJack: [Shows Beatrice the Hydrangea] For you.

Beatrice: [sarcastically] Oh, a plant. Dirt for inside. Goody.

[Beatrice goes to the door and closes it]


Scene 2: Foyer[]

Beatrice: You got here just in time, BoJack. A bird flew through the window and we're having trouble getting her out of the house.

[They both walk into the living room where, Sarah Lynn (who has now age-progressed to her preteen self), Corduroy, Herb, and Crackerjack are all trying to catch the bird]

Sarah Lynn: Get her! Ah!

Crackerjack: Golly, she's more coy than a coyote claiming a cottontail.

Zach Braff: Ahem, Phone for you, Mrs. Horseman.

Beatrice: Thank you, Butler.

BoJack: Is that Zach Braff?

Beatrice: Who?

BoJack: Zach Braff. Actor, independent filmmaker, real-life friend of Donald Faison?

Zach Braff: At your service! I actually was friends with Donald in real-life, he's a spectacular man—

Beatrice: Butler!

Zach Braff: Sorry! Phone call for you.

Beatrice: I'll take it into the kitchen, BoJack make yourself useful for a change and help, will ya? With the bird.

[Beatrice and Zach Braff vanish. Beatrice is then seen in the kitchen, taking the phone call]

Beatrice: [On the phone] Oh, It's you.

Scene 3: Living Room (The Bird Chase)[]

[The Dinner guests are all still chasing the bird]

Herb: All right. That does it, Son of a—!

Crackerjack: Cooey!

Herb: With a drop like that, you'd think she was the ratings for Veronica's Closet when it moved to Mondays!

BoJack: Ugh, comedy poison, who wants to laugh on a Monday?

Herb: BJ! Finally made it to our little soirèe, huh?

BoJack: Yeah, I kept having this dream where I was having dinner with all the people who were gone, and I thought, "I should do that!," So here I am.

Crackerjack: We've got to flank her from the left.

BoJack: Hello, Crackerjack?

Crackerjack: That's what it says on my underpants! [Crackerjack and BoJack shake hands]

BoJack: The uncle I never met, yet the uncle I could never live up to!

Crackerjack: HA! [Passes the pillow to BoJack] All right soldier, ready, aim— [Corduroy's lasso then scares the bird away, Crackerjack chases after it]

Corduroy: Hey, What's up man?

BoJack: Hey, Corduroy—Good to—to—

Corduroy: Still weirded out? because the last time you saw me I was naked, hanging from my iPhone charger, holding a lemon, with a very erect penis despite being deceased in my trailer for over an hour?

BoJack: Yep.

Corduroy: You're gonna have to get over that buddy. [Grabs his lasso and wraps it around his neck, (to simulate auto-erotic asphyxiation)]

BoJack: [sternly] What are you—? Stop that.

Corduroy: Oh oh sorry, forget where I was for a second.

Sarah Lynn: [Comes up to BoJack and hands him a fireplace poker] Think this'll help?

Crackerjack: Kid's got the right idea, we can chuck the choker her and spoon her with this poker!

[BoJack aims to get the bird, the guests cheer him on as the Horsin' Around theme plays in the background]

Herb: Show her who's boss!

Sarah Lynn: Ruffle her feathers!

Corduroy: Get her to the kitchen!

BoJack: Ha! Ooh! And that! [The bird flies to the kitchen]

Sarah Lynn: All right!

Herb: Go!

Crackerjack: Ha-cha!

[The bird squeezes through the window in the kitchen and escapes losing one of her heels in the kitchen sink in the process, everyone except Beatrice cheers, and the Horsin' Around theme stops playing]

Beatrice: [sarcastically] Yes yes, BoJack bullied a bird. Bully for him. Speaking of useless, my husband is running late, so we're gonna start dinner without him.

Crackerjack: He'll be here before the show starts, won't he?

Beatrice: He'd better be. In the meantime, let's adjourn to the dining room before our dinner gets as cold as my parenting style.

[The camera zooms in on BoJack as the background changes to a dining room, Sarah Lynn has age-progressed to her eighteen-year-old self]

Scene 4: Dining Room[]

[Everyone is seated in the dining room laughing and talking about the best and worst parts of their lives, Zach Braff serves them their meals which are symbolic of how they died]

[Zoom in of BoJack in a coffin-shaped chair]

Sarah Lynn: I think mine would be the first time someone asked me for their autograph.

BoJack: [sounding interested] Oh, really.

Corduroy: Oh, wow.

Sarah Lynn: I didn't even know how to write my name! I just drew a squiggle. [She waves one of her french fries in the air to demonstrate]

Zach Braff: [Serves BoJack a water bottle] Water.

BoJack: Thank you, Zach Braff.

Sarah Lynn: You only get to give your first autograph once, you know. The second time it's an obligation. The third it's a chore. [the whole room rattles and shakes] But the first time...[sighs]...The first time...[chuckles]

[BoJack looks up at the ceiling, and sees the tar drip]

BoJack: Hey. What is that?

Zach Braff: Ah. Ah. Ah. [puts his hand on BoJack's shoulder and then puts a finger to his lips] Shhhhh. [Zach serves BoJack his pills]

BoJack: Mm.

Crackerjack: [brightly] Okay. My turn. Mine was also when I signed on a dotted line to enlist. [salutes]

Sarah Lynn, Herb, and Corduroy: Oh, Woah.

Beatrice: [to BoJack] Are you ready to sing the lollipop song in the big show later?

BoJack: No, Mom. You know I never make it to the show.

Crackerjack: I didn't know then that enlisting would lead to my worst two parts.

Corduroy: You have two? I didn't know we could pick two.

Herb: Corduroy, it's a conversation, not an assignment.

[Zach serves Corduroy a lemon and Herb some peanuts]

Corduroy: In that case, I have three.

Herb: No, three is way too many.

Corduroy: My worst parts were saying goodbye to my mother and seeing a bullet go straight through my general's face, right before it hit my own. [he moves his bangs out of his face to show where the bullet hole is]

[Everybody gasps]

Herb: At least your death was instantaneous. I can still hear the loud drips from my IV from when I had cancer. Drip. Drip.

[Herb drops a couple of the peanuts back on his plate to simulate an IV dripping, at the same time a drop of tar drips from the ceiling and on to BoJack's head]

Corduroy: What about you BoJack?

BoJack: What?

Corduroy: What about you, BoJack? Best part, worst part, what about you?

BoJack: Well, my worst part has to be—Right before I got here, I think? Uh...I went to Angela Diaz's house.[Takes a sip from his water and spits it out] Does anyone else's water taste like chlorine? [to Zach Braff] Hey, Braff, can I get some different water over here?

Zach Braff: Right away, Mr. Horseman.

Corduroy: [to Crackerjack] Crackerjack, do you think your death meant something....[tar drips on BoJack's head, he looks up annoyed] because it was in the service of the greater cause?

Crackerjack: Aw, shucks...[interrupted by Beatrice]

Beatrice: [defensively] Of course it meant something.

Crackerjack: I think questions like that are too big for a little soldier like me.

Beatrice: [she touches Crackerjack's shoulder] My brother gave the ultimate sacrifice.

Corduroy: But sometimes I wonder—

BoJack: But see, this is where I get hung up, because when we valorize the idea of sacrifice, of loss, of suffering. [tar drips from the ceiling]

Beatrice: BoJack, don't start with this again.

BoJack: [angrily] When we grow up in a house that does that we internalize this idea that being happy is a selfish act, but sacrifice doesn't mean anything.

Sarah Lynn: Yes it does.

BoJack: Sacrifice? In the service of something greater, maybe, but just in and of itself? What's the good in that?

Sarah Lynn: [passionately, somewhat sadly] A lot. Sacrifice is good. It has to be because I sacrificed a ton, and I was freaking awesome.

Beatrice: [scoffs] Oh, and what did you ever sacrifice?

[Zach serves BoJack a new bottle of water.]

Sarah Lynn: I gave everything. I gave my whole life.

Beatrice: You died in a hedonistic bender.

[BoJack covers his face with his hands]

Sarah Lynn: I'm not talking about my death. I'm talking about my life. I gave my whole life. [she raises her hands and slams them on the dining table, tar drips from the ceiling.]

Herb: If we get into everyone's whole life, we're gonna be here all night. It's called "Best Part/Worst Part" not "Everything That's Ever Happened."

Sarah Lynn: Okay, worst part: the 2007 Sexually Confident Virgin Tour. My manager leaked my nudes to get more tour dates added, my mom pointed out every carb I ate, it was hell. [tar drips on BoJack's head] But it gave millions of fans a show that is worth something. [She stuffs her face with french fries]

Corduroy: No, that's a high you chase.

Sarah Lynn: It was not—

Corduroy: [talking over her] You think you singing songs on stage is the same as this guy who died liberating camps? [tar drips on BoJack's head]

Crackerjack: We don't need to compare apples to Auschwitzes!

Sarah Lynn: Herb tell 'em. It means something—the work we do, the joy we bring. It has to, right?

Herb: Boy I sure thought so. I—I used to really believe in it. [tar drips on BoJack's head] I mean I was one "Trapped in an airport during a snowstorm on the eve of the dance championship guest starring Gregory Hines" away from an Emmy. Then I lost it all.

BoJack: [tar drips on him again] Ow! Seriously, is nobody noticing this?

Beatrice: Fine, we'll get a bucket

BoJack: The drips are hitting me!

Beatrice: Then you'll hold the bucket!

Herb: But the funny thing is it wasn't until I got fired that I actually became myself. I was out of the closet, I was free. I was authentically me. [Picks up a peanut from his dish]

Corduroy: [To Herb] Did you get pleasure from your charity work? Like real deep pleasure?

Herb: It dwarfed every other joy in my life.

Corduroy: It doesn't count then! If you got pleasure, it wasn't selfless, and it's only good if it's selfless.

Herb: Who made up that rule?! I helped people, who cares if it made me feel good too?

Corduroy: Feeling good is inherently selfish, if I'd given myself to Christ, truly went down the path--

Beatrice: I don't care for this talk of religion in my house!

Corduroy: [Ignores her] If I wasn't constantly trying to feel good, get it better [picks up a lemon from his dish] always looking for maximum pleasure— [squeezes lemon, the juice drips slowly on his plate, quickly puts lemon back on plate] That was my worst part.

Crackerjack: I actually never killed a Nazi. All my kills were friendly fire.

All: [Gasps]

Crackerjack: I also never liberated any camps-- I'm honestly not sure what I did.

Zach Braff: [Gives a bucket to BoJack] Here you go [BoJack holds the bucket above his head and tar drips into it, Zach turns to Beatrice] Your husband just pulled up, ma'am.

BoJack: Wait, Dad's here? He's never made it to dinner before.

Sarah Lynn: Hey! Here's a question!

Herb: Another question has arrived. [tar drips into BoJack's bucket]

Sarah Lynn: Did any of you have your songs played in outer space? [Stands up and walks around BoJack's chair, BoJack is aiming his bucket towards the leak] Anyone? No, Just me? Oh, that's what I thought. My hit single "No, No, No (No Means Yes)" is making its way to Mars! That means something! [BoJack moves his bucket as a tar drop leaks on him] I will be remembered forever! That has to mean something! I will be--

[The door opens as Sarah Lynn's sentence is cut off, a mysterious music tone is played, Secretariat walks in with a Christmas wreath around his neck]

Secretariat: Sorry I'm late, did I miss the show?

[Everyone but Beatrice cheers]

BoJack: Dad!

Sarah Lynn: I—

Beatrice: Oh you didn't miss a thing. It's not like we have anywhere else to be.

[Secretariat takes Sarah Lynn's chair next to BoJack and Zach Braff serves him a meal of eggs and whiskey. Zach Braff pulls another chair for Sarah Lynn next to Crackerjack]

Herb: ...When I left Horsin' Around, I honestly thought about killing myself.

BoJack: Shit Herb, really?

Herb: Yeah, but the Knicks were having a good season, and I wanted to see what would happen.

BoJack: Wait, you didn't kill yourself because the Knicks were having a good season? What would you have done if they were having a bad season?

Herb: I don't know, gotten into baseball?

Secretariat: Oh for the love—where's your follow-through? It's like you didn't even wanna kill yourself!

Herb: And I'm so glad I didn't! Because there I was, 10 years later, in Machu Picchu, and I realized there was so much more I could do, in my life.

Secretariat: [...] The view from up there! Eh you wouldn't believe it.

[BoJack suddenly vomits. The vomit is black tar, identical to the one dripping from the ceiling]

[Everyone laughs]

Beatrice: Oh my!

BoJack: [Chuckles] It must've been from swimming earlier.

Beatrice: Oh you were swimming?

BooJack: Yeah, I um- [Clears throat] [Sternly] When was I swimming?

Secretariat: Don't think about that, do you have a

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