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These are the quotes from The Telescope, which is the 8th episode of Season 1 and overall of BoJack Horseman.

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BoJack: (on the phone) Oh, right. Well, just tell whoever, then. Haa-aah!

(tires screech)

Pedestrian: Ooh!

(BoJack honks horn)

Pedestrian: Asshole!

(tires squeal)

BoJack: Anyway, I'm off to Malibu to see Herb Kazzaz. He has cancer, which, as you know, is a whole thing. Plus, he hates me, so I could really use some good news at the end of the day.

Princess Carolyn: Oh, my God. You're going to see Herb? You must be reall—Nope. Don't care. Not interested.

(phone beeps)

BoJack: Okay, Good talk.

Diane: Hey. You ready for this?

BoJack: Listen. I want to make sure I don't spend any time alone with Herb. I'm bringing you along as my buffer.

Diane: And your memoirist. I should meet your old best friend before he dies of cancer.

BoJack: Fine, I guess. Just don't abandon me. No bathroom breaks. And don't slip out of the room to text your fiancé a bunch of winky smileys with hearts next to them—Gross. Congratulations on the whole being engaged thing, by the way.

Diane: Thanks. It's just starting to hit me. I'm getting married. Thank God I don't have to die alone. No offense.

BoJack: None taken. 'Till you said, "No offense."

Diane: So what's the deal with you and this guy? You never talk about him.

BoJack: Well, I kind of, maybe stabbed him in the back. Yeah, it's a bit of a story. A story of power, betrayal, and ambitious hairstyles. The year? 198..

Todd: Movie's over.

BoJack: Watch the next one.

Todd: Aw, I'm tired of watching movies. Do you want to play a game?

BoJack: Sure. I spy with my little eye someone who needs to shut the hell up.

Todd: Is it me?

BoJack: It's always you. Now, where was I?

Diane: You were about to tell a story about you being a shitty friend, but then, we got interrupted by you yelling at Todd.

BoJack: Oh, yeah. Shut up, Todd.

'80s music
"Generic '80s new wave"
"Beep, bop, beep, bop, beep, bop"
"This is a song from the '80s"
"The decade which it currently is"

Herb: (performs) Why do we need a kitchen and a bathroom? Pipes are pipes, people. Do we really need a toilet and a sink and a bathtub and—Wait, hold on—A whole 'nother room with another sink? They're all just holes to the ocean, lady. I mean, come on.

BoJack: (laughs)

Charlotte: BoJack, you're late. Here. I got you a beer. It's on the house. Don't tell my boss.

BoJack: Thanks, Charlotte, but one beer gets me tipsy. I got to be clear-headed for my set. Looks like Herb's killing.

Charlotte: Yeah, and the suits from ABC are here.


Charlotte: Look. They're nodding. That's the executive version of laughing.

BoJack: Wow. They must be serious about Herb. That's Angela Diaz. She's the woman who made pantsuits a thing.

Charlotte: Oh, before I forget. Herb and I are gonna see Back to the Future again this weekend. Want to come?

BoJack: I'm in. That movie was amazing, except for all the lame time period jokes. We get it. The '50s were different. I'll have a New Coke, please. Listen, you guys don't need to include me on your dates. Sometimes, it makes me feel like a third wheel.

Charlotte: BoJack, stop. Without the third wheel, how would you ride a tricycle?

BoJack: Wouldn't that make it a bicycle?

Bubbles: Herb Kazzaz, ladies and gentlemen.


Herb: Hey-ooh!

BoJack: Great set, man. It's like everything you said was something I've thought before but never had the balls to say.

Herb: Thanks, BJ. I set 'em up. Now, you knock 'em down.

Bubbles: Let's give it up for BoJack Horseman.


BoJack: Well, thank you, Bubbles. I love L.A. Don't you guys? The prettiest girls in the world flock to this city, and they end up with total knobs. Take this couple, for example.


BoJack: Excuse me, miss. Is that your date?

Woman: He's my husband.

BoJack: That's your husband? You can do better. Give me a call after the show.


BoJack: I'm just kidding around. (whispers) I'm not kidding around.


BoJack: Ugh. Maker's Manhattan? 2:00 P.M.? Not judging. That guy tipped me a quarter. That's barely enough money to buy three gallons of gas.

Herb: You want a slug?

BoJack: No, I got to stay sharp. I got another audition this afternoon. God, I can't wait till I'm finally up for real jobs instead of these dumb commercials. "Here's the thing about most long-distance plans."

Herb: Ugh. I hate when people say that. "Here's the thing."

BoJack: It's so stupid.

Herb: Just say the thing. You don't need to introduce the concept that there's going to be a thing.

BoJack: I don't expect to be offered Secretariat right away, but when am I gonna be up for real roles?

Herb: We'll get there, BJ. We both will. In fact, if I play my cards right, I might get there real soon.

BoJack: Wait. Did the guys from ABC call?

Herb: Uh-huh. They invited me to some hotshot event at LACMA this weekend. I'm gonna pitch 'em a TV show while they're drunk.

BoJack: An off-the-clock, non-work-related social event? That's the perfect time to pitch a TV show. You're brilliant.


Charlotte: These people are so fancy.

Herb: Look, look, look. Hey, hey, look. That's Joyce DeWitt, isn't it? That's Joyce DeWitt. And that's Angela Diaz.

Charlotte: And that's Ubu, the guy who sits.

Herb: He is a good dog.

(Ubu barks)

BoJack: Guys, don't take your eyes off the prize. We need to fill Charlotte's bag with these mini quiches. This is our breakfast for June.

Man: Herb Kazzaz.

BoJack: Shit, we're busted. (plate shatters) Pretend you don't speak English.

Charlotte: Buongiorno. Bon Jovi.

BoJack: Salutations. Crap, that's English.

Man: Hey, you mind if I steal this superstar for a second?

Herb: Okay, yeah. I'll catch you two later. Stay out of trouble. Oh, ho.

BoJack: Well, there he goes. Herb's about to hit the big time, and I'm just gonna be a small-fry doing tiny commercials and eating mini quiches.

Charlotte: You're dead wrong. You're gonna be a big success. Herb says that to me all the time. He thinks the world of you.

BoJack: He does?

Charlotte: Yeah, I'm not worried about if you'll become a star. I'm more worried about how you'll change when it happens.

BoJack: Like, you think I'll get fat?

Charlotte: No, that's not what I'm talking about.

BoJack: So you're saying I definitely won't get fat?

Charlotte: No.

BoJack: Well, make up your mind, lady.

Charlotte: Look over there. See those tar pits? Hollywood's a really pretty town that's smack on top of all that black tar. By the time you realize you're sinking, it's too late.

BoJack: Wait, is this a science lesson?

Charlotte: No, BoJack, it's a metaphor.

BoJack: Ugh, that's worse.

Charlotte: BoJack, I'm moving to Maine.

BoJack: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Really? Does Herb know?

Charlotte: Yeah. I don't think I'm the person Herb's looking for.

BoJack: I'm going to miss you, Charlotte.

Charlotte: Hey, do you ever wonder what would have happened if you'd met me before Herb did? Would you have made a move on me?

BoJack: Charlotte

Charlotte: I don't think you would have. You know why? I think you're a coward. Now go stuff some prosciutto in your pants before that Webster kid takes it all.

(upbeat music)

Herb: I love this town.

BoJack: Why did you bring me to Griffith Park? Are we gonna get in a knife fight like in Rebel Without a Cause?

Herb: I hate that title.

BoJack: He had several causes.

Herb: I wanted to give you this. Look out at that city. What do you see?

BoJack: Wow, I didn't realize there were so many day hookers.

Herb: I see a city that you and I will run someday, and when we're both famous and have everything we've ever wanted, we'll come back here together and high five.

BoJack: I'm not fully on board with this new high five thing. Whatever happened to the low five? Give me some skin.

Herb: BJ, listen. I got a call from ABC today. They bought my TV pitch.

BoJack: What? That's amazing. What's the show?

Herb: It's called Horsin' Around.

BoJack: Well, good luck on your rocket ship to the top without me.

Herb: No, BoJack, the show's about a horse, and I told those suits if they want my show, then that horse is gonna be BJ Goddamn Horseman.

BoJack: Oh, my God.

Herb: And they said, "No."

BoJack: Oh.

Herb: And I said, "Please?" And they said, "Okay." So, what do you say? Want to be my star?

BoJack: Seriously? Of course, I do. Of course, Herb. Jesus Christ, thank you.

BOTH: Mm-hmm

BoJack: Whoa, whoa. I think you got the wrong idea here.

Herb: Yeah, no, man.

BoJack: Whoa. Herb, I'm not

Herb: Me either. No, I just You know, I caught up in the moment.

BoJack: Yeah, no, I gotcha.

Herb: BJ, can you believe it? We're gonna make an actual TV show! One that takes an unflinching look at the gritty reality of the American family. Just kidding. Let's get rich!

Both: Yeah.

(rock music)

BoJack: (sings) Generic '90s grunge song; Everyone in flannel; Generic '90s grunge song; Something from Seattle

BoJack: Why would I say, "You'll never get me in that sweater" in this scene and then, in the very next scene, I'm wearing the sweater? Did my character suddenly forget that he didn't want to wear a sweater?

Writer: No, see, that's actually the joke.

BoJack: Don't explain the joke to me. I just don't understand how it's a joke.

Writer: So you do want me to explain it to you?

BoJack: I want you to add a scene showing how I changed my mind about the sweater so the goddamn episode makes sense. Look at me, doing your job for you. Way to go, Shakespeare.

Herb: BJ, you're doing the scene as written.

BoJack: What happened to the stories I requested? Where's my rap? You said you'd write me a rap.

Herb: We're working on it. We just need a rhyme for "and I'm here to say."

BoJack: Well, what about giving me Rollerblades? How are people gonna know that my character is hip if he doesn't roll the blade?

Herb: Just get out there and do your job. Every one of your ideas is stupid or racist.

BoJack: That was one pitch, and I didn't say they're all thieves. But if you're too scared to start a national dialogue, maybe I'll take my ideas home. Good luck making Horsin' Around without the horse.

Sharona: BoJack, hon. That audience out there traveled from all over the country just to taste some of your magic. Do you really want to disappoint them?

BoJack: (sighs) Okay, Sharona. I'll go out and jerk this limp script until it gets hard, but I'm not doing it for Herb. I'm doing it for the fans.

Herb: And your 30K an episode.

Announcer: Let's give it up for BoJack Horseman!

BoJack: And there better be some Zimas in my dressing room after the show. (cheers and applause) Wait a minute. This isn't the bar. I got to fire my assistant. (laughter) You guys sound like you're ready for a show.

(rock music)

BoJack: Oh, gross. Why do I keep trying to like Zima? (phone rings) Talk to me, world.

Princess Carolyn: BoJack, it's Princess Carolyn. How are you doing today?

BoJack: Well, I'll tell you my problem. I just keep getting handsomer.

Princess Carolyn: (laughs) Good problems to have. Hold for a sec. I've got your agent on the line.

Marv: BoJack Goddamn Horseface. I got some news so good, you'll goddamn kiss me. Put it here. Put it here. What's the role you've been dying to play your whole life, besides Kathy Ireland's bathing suit?

BoJack: Ha-ha. She is attractive.

Marv: Good God, when I die, bury me in Kathy Ireland.

BoJack: Uh, Marv? Marv? What's the big news?

Marv: Secretariat! It's happening, and it's down to you and Val Kilmer for the title role.

BoJack: That's amazing. Thank you. Thank you.

Marv: Now, listen. I don't want to see you in any more tabloids. Keep your head down and your nose clean. Now, I gotta go. I got lunch with MC Skat Kat.


Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: Scandal breaking today surrounding the family sitcom, Horsin' Around.

BoJack: Oh, God. What did I do this time?

Tom: Herb Kazzaz, the show's creator, was caught tonight in an LAPD sting on public indecency.

BoJack: Wha'?

"Kazzaz Kazzaztrophe"

Tom: Police say Mr.Kazzaz was caught in the middle of lewd acts with another man. Conservative groups have been quick to organize.

Man: Horsin' Around is a show for kids. My family should be able to watch those nubile preteens without men like perv Kazzaz flaunting their alternative lifestyles and ruining America.

BoJack: Sheei-i-it.

Herb: BoJack, I gotta tell ya'. I'm gay.

BoJack: No doy.

Herb: I know we haven't been—close for the past couple years.

BoJack: Okay, I'm gonna hold back my "No doys" because there might be a lot.

Herb: But you know me, right? You know that I'm a good guy. They're gunning for me at the network, and if I get kicked off this, I won't recover. I need to know that you've got my back. If you threaten to walk, they'll listen to you.

BoJack: Herb, you picked the worst possible time to

Herb: Hey, you know I wouldn't ask if I didn't need it. Come on, BoJack. How'd we get so far apart, huh?

BoJack: (sighs) You know what? You can count on me, Herb. I mean, I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for you.

Herb: I knew it! I knew you'd come through. And when this is all over, we're going to drive back up to Griffith Park. I still owe you that high five, right?

BoJack: Hey, this is a dumb question, but do you guys ever, like, all link up together and do, like, a party train or a fun circle? 'Cause I feel like I'd be doing that all the—Never mind. Stupid question. Feel stupid for asking that.

(crowd shouting)

Guard: (barking) Go right ahead.

Herb: And then it goes, "I like healthy gums in a major way."

BoJack: See, that's what I'm talking about. That's great. We just gotta make sure that we work in the phrase "toothbrush rap" early, so they know I'm rapping.

Angela Diaz: BoJack, can we chat for a second?

Herb: Ugh. Here we go. It's the big one.

Angela Diaz: I'm not gonna waste your time with small talk because you work for me, and your time is my time. We're letting Herb go.

(Together, in unison:) BoJack: You can't do that. Angela: "I can't do that."

Angela Diaz: I'm not asking you. It's nothing personal. I like Herb. I think he's a good guy. But this is a business, and every day we don't fire him, we're flushing money down the crapper.

(Together, in unison:) BoJack: Well, if he goes, I go. Angela: "Well, if he goes, you go."

Angela Diaz: I wouldn't do that. BoJack, I think you're a star, and sometimes being a star means making tough choices. You can storm out, make a big show out of what a "good" friend you are, or you could be the guy who does his job.

BoJack: Angela—

Angela Diaz: I'll tell you when it's your turn to talk again. Look, you're a star, but this is really just the beginning of the BoJack Horseman story. You can choose whatever path you want, but I'll tell you right now. You don't win awards and you don't get to be on the covers of magazines and you don't get to play the lead role in the Secretariat movie by being a good friend. What's that old expression about how the show must go on? Oh, right. It's "Don't be an idiot."

So what do you think, BoJack? That's a courtesy question. I already know what you think because I have conversations like this one five times a day. I know who you are, and I know you've already made your decision. But if you want to surprise me, now's the time to do it. That's what I thought. You're doing the right thing. I know it's hard. But if Herb's really your friend, he'll understand. Now, you've got a show to put on, so I'll let you get ready. This was a good conversation. Productive. If you're lucky, I'll never talk to you again. (cup thuds)

BoJack: (sighs)

Announcer: You folks ready for a show? (audience cheering) 'Cause I think a certain someone might show up any second. (applause)

BoJack: (sighs)

(cheers and applause)

BoJack: Wait a minute. This isn't the bar. I gotta fire my assistant.


"Malibu CITY LIMIT POP 13,000 ELEV.16"

Diane: So what ended up happening with Secretariat?

BoJack: Went into turnaround. I don't totally know what "turnaround" means, but they never made the movie.

Todd: Whoa. This house is way bigger than yours. Herb's done really well for a guy you dicked over. Oh, no. Ah!

BoJack: That's enough out of you. Stay out here and turn this car around in case we need to leave in a hurry.

Todd: Hooray! A task.

(doorbell rings)

BoJack: (sighs)

Herb: (coughs) BoJack! Well. Jesus, you look shitty. Have you been eating your guilt this whole time?

(all laugh uncomfortably)

BoJack: Yeah, you don't look so hot yourself, Herb.

Herb: I have cancer. And hello. Who's this stunning creature? And what string of bad decisions has placed you in BoJack's orbit?

Diane: Uh..

BoJack: This is Diane. She's writing a book about me.

Diane: Pleasure to meet you.

Herb: Is your book called, "Portrait of an Asshole?" (laughs) I kid'. It's funny because he ruined my life. I joke. It's what I do. Please, come in. You're letting out all the cancer. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

BoJack: (forced laugh) Ha ha

Todd: Almost. Ah.. Almost there. Come on ah.

Herb: Oh, thanks. Thanks.

Tina: (growls)

Herb: BoJack, how are your utensils?

BoJack: Uh, they're fine.

Herb: Are you sure? Because if that knife ain't sharp enough, I got another that you left in my back 20 years ago. (laughs)

BoJack: Could have seen that coming. Who asks about utensils?

Diane: I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

BoJack: Nope. No, you are not.

Todd:(in a car) Uh. Oh. Ow. Almost.

(exciting music)

Cammie: (with a gun) Drive, drive, drive!

Todd: Oh. Oh, no. I can't turn the car around. I've been trying to do this three-point turn forever. I mean, it's more like a 300-point turn. Am I right, huh?

Kenzie: Hee hee hee hee!

Cammie: Hey, we've got two sacks of Kardashian swag and the fuzz on our heels. You think this is Driver's Ed, you hat-wearing pussy? Drive the goddamn car!

Herb: (coughs)

Diane: Hey, Herb, is that your Vitamix? BoJack has one, too. I wonder if you guys have.. strong opinions about it one way or the other.

Herb: Well, the stupid thing was like 600 bucks.

BoJack: I have used mine a grand total of zero times.

Herb: I got it a month before I was diagnosed with cancer. I don't give a shit about being healthy anymore.

BoJack: I don't even have cancer, and I don't use it.

Herb: So who's it for?

BoJack: Exactly. What is so great about liquids? Every article I read now is "juice this" and "juice that."

Herb: You know why? Juice controls the media.

BoJack: Hey-ooh.

(both laugh)

(in a car)

Cammie: Can't this thing go any faster?

Todd: Uh, I'm going as fast as I can!

(tires squealing)

Kenzie: Do you want me to get out? Try to guide you?

Todd: No, I think I'm almost there.

Kenzie: You're doing a great job.

Cammie: Kenzie, stop talking to him.

Kenzie: Why? He's being nice.

Cammie: Remember the number one rule of the Celebrity Stealing Club: "No falling in love."

Kenzie: Ugh. That's your rule for every club.

Cammie: It's a good rule.

Todd: Whoa. Whoa, guys. I'm sensing a lot of hostility here. Maybe we should take our masks off and actually talk.

Cammie: You want me to take my mask off? Fine. Happy? I took my mask off.

Todd: Did you? Because I think you're still wearing a mask.

(both girls in realization) Oh.

Diane: Oh, my God, Herb, you met President Clinton?

Herb: Oh, yeah. Many times. Did you think that I spent the last 20 years on my couch just feeling sorry for myself? I mean, I did do that, but I also started (coughs) a charity to bring clean water to millions of children in Sub-Saharan Africa.

Diane: Oh, wow.

BoJack: I presented at the Teen Choice Awards. Wait, is that Charlotte?

Herb: Yeah, yeah. We kept in touch. You should actually give her a call. I'm sure she'd love to hear from you.

BoJack: She looks good for someone so old.

Herb: She's three years younger than you.

BoJack: Exactly!

Herb: (laughs, coughs)

Tina: Er?

Herb: Well, guys, I'm pretty beat. I think I need to head off to bed, and I hope I actually wake up later. (coughs) And it was actually nice to see you, BoJack. You can see yourselves out. (chuckling) "Juice controls the media." (chuckling) I love it.

Cammie: So I guess in a sense I'm running away from the cops, but I feel like in another, truer sense, I'm running away from myself.

Todd: Truth. Truth.

Cammie: Whoa.

Todd: Kenzie, do you have anything to share?

Kenzie: Just how amazing it feels to finally be honest for once. I could live a million lives, and I'd never forget this one afternoon.

Todd: Word. You know, I act all cool and sophisticated on the outside, but on the inside, I'm just Todd, you know? But thanks to you guys, I think I'm finally ready to let my guard down.

Cammie: Do you hear that?

Kenzie: He's letting his guard down. Let's get him!

Todd: (grunts) Oh!

Both Girls: Celebrity Stealing Club strikes again!

BoJack: This.. This just doesn't feel right. I should have brought a bottle of wine. That's what adults do. BoJack, damn it.

Diane: Is that what's bothering you, that you didn't bring wine?

BoJack: You're right. I just would have drunk it on the way here.

Diane: This isn't about wine, BoJack. If you have something you need to say to someone, you should do it while you have the chance because before you know it, it'll be too late.

BoJack: Is this one of those things where we're talking about Herb but we're actually talking about something else?

Diane: No, I was talking about Herb.

BoJack: Okay, good. Yeah, me, too.

BoJack: (cheerfully) Hey, buddy!

Herb: You come back for that Vitamix, you (coughs)

BoJack: Ooh, you should get that looked at.

Herb: Yeah. I've been meaning to see a doctor.

BoJack: Hey, I wanted to talk to you about.. you know. I feel bad about what happened.

Herb: So you're apologizing.

BoJack: Yes. I'm sorry.

Herb: Okay. I don't forgive you.

BoJack: Herb, I said I'm sorry.

Herb: Yeah, and I do not forgive you.

BoJack: Uh-- not sure you get what's happening here. This could be the last time that you--

Herb: No. I'm not gonna give you closure. You don't get that. (coughs) You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life. You have to know that it's never, ever going to be okay.

BoJack: I really think that we'd both feel better if we just--

Herb: I'm dying. I'm not gonna feel better, and I'm not gonna be your prop so you can feel better.

BoJack: You have to believe me. I did everything I could.

Herb: Yeah? Then why didn't you call me? Huh? 20 years you didn't call me.

BoJack: Look, I—I wanted to, but I didn't think—

Herb: You know what it was like for me? I had nobody. Everybody left. I knew all those showbiz phonies would turn on me. Sure. But you?

BoJack: It's not my fault you got fired.

Herb: I don't care about the job! I did fine. I had a good life. But what I needed then was a friend, and you abandoned me. And I will never forgive you for that. Now, get the fuck out of my house.

BoJack: I (sighs) Hey, this is a dumb question, but the gay thing and the rectal cancer thing aren't related, are they?

Herb: Get out of here!!

BoJack: Never mind. Stupid question. Forget I brought it up. -- Huh.

Herb: Hey, BJ. Put that back, asshole!

BoJack: No, you gave this to me.

Herb: (growls)

BoJack: No!

(both grunting)

Diane: BoJack?! What are you doing?! Get off him!

Herb: The show was never the same after I left. Admit it!

BoJack: Some people prefer the later years.

Tina: (growling)

Diane: BoJack. Come on.

BoJack: (panting)

Diane: Thank you for inviting us. You have a lovely home.

Herb: You know what your problem is? You want to think of yourself as the good guy. Well, I know you better than anyone, and I can tell you—that you're not! In fact, you'd probably sleep a lot better at night if you just admitted to yourself that you're a selfish goddamn coward who takes whatever he wants and doesn't give a shit about who he hurts. That's you. That's BoJack Horseman.

BoJack: I don't know why I came here.

Herb: Yeah. You do.

(engine revs, tires screech)

Princess Carolyn: (on the phone) You said you wanted a job.

BoJack: It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

Princess Carolyn: Wow. What happened in Malibu?

BoJack: I gotta go.

(phone beeps)

Diane: Hey, bright side. At least now you have a good story to tell—at his funeral.

BoJack: Ugh, God.

Diane: I'm not trying to kill the vibe here, but I've had to pee for, like, three hours.

BoJack: (sighs)

Diane: Look, I won't put what happened today in the book if you don't want me to.

BoJack: No, it's okay. Full truth like we agreed. Warts and all. It doesn't matter anyway. I don't even care what anybody thinks anymore.

Diane: Well, for what it's worth, I think it took a lot of guts to do what you did back there.

(water lapping)

(BoJack tries to kiss Diane)

BoJack: Mmm

(Diane pushing him away, shaking her head)

Diane: Mm!

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