Note: 'UPCP' Stands for 'Untitled Princess Carolyn Project'
Scene 1: Birthday Dad Editing Room
[The camera is rolling Birthday Dad, as Mr. Peanutbutter voices over himself as the titular character as he stares off into the sunset]
Mr. Peanutbutter: If there's one thing I've learned from this crazy mambo called life, it's that anyone can be a birthday father, but it takes a heart full of birthdays, to be a true Birthday Dad.
[Birthday Dad walks off into the sunset as the camera pans to the sky, the Title Card with the words "The End?" is shown on screen, the camera switches quickly to the Birthday Dad Editing room, where Flea Daniels and Mr. Peanutbutter are looking at the screen, while Princess Carolyn is sleeping on a chair]
Mr. Peanutbutter: Stop, go back! [They rewind the video] There it is! Please tell me you guys see that
Princess Carolyn: [wakes up, is startled] Oh Loo—Looks great! Uh, Love it!
Flea Daniels: What's wrong with your face?
Mr. Peanutbutter: I just don't buy it, director Flea Daniels. That just doesn't look like the honest, trustworthy face of a Birthday Dad.
Flea Daniels: [Jumps out of chair, annoyed] What?
Mr. Peanutbutter: This is clearly the face of a guy who did something terrible! Like I don't know, cheat on his girlfriend, with his ex-wife a couple of times, and instead of confessing to his girlfriend, he asked her to marry him! So now they're engaged and she still has no idea! Can't you see he's racked with guilt? It's all over his very handsome face!
Princess Carolyn: Did Birthday Dad cheat on his girlfriend?
Mr. Peanutbutter: No, I'm just saying he looks like he did, so now we have to re-edit the whole scene.
Flea Daniels: No! You've been dragging this out with your ridiculous tweaks and demands for what is the stupidest premise I've ever seen. I gotta go prep my next film, The Diary of Anne Frankenstein. Birthday Dad is OVER!
Mr. Peanutbutter: No! I'm over! Over the moon about continuing to work on this project!
Flea Daniels: [Begins to leave] Go. Home.
[The other editors begin to leave as well, an exhausted Princess Carolyn follows them slowly]
Mr. Peanutbutter: [To Princess Carolyn] Hey do you wanna keep hanging out? Let's go raid a greeting card aisle and come up with our next project! Detective John GetWellSoon, Officer Mike Condolences, President Blank Inside!
Princess Carolyn: Uh, I should probably get home to my baby
Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh! "Congrats On Your New Baby"—is another great idea for a movie!
Princess Carolyn: [sighs] Yeah, sounds like fun.
[Princess Carolyn pats Mr. Peanutbutter and walks out the room very tired, she goes to her car and when she opens the door, a toy falls out with some of Untitled Princess Carolyn Project's quills get stuck to it, she gets in the car and drives back home, once she gets to Tabbywood Apartments, she gets out of the car and sighs]
Scene 2: Tabbywood Apartments
[Renata, the nanny, holds Untitled Princess Carolyn Project while she is crying, Todd is seen sleeping on the couch, Princess Carolyn quickly rushes in the door]
Princess Carolyn: [panicking] Oh Renata, I'm sorry I'm late.
Renata: Third time this week, I quit. [She hands Princess Carolyn the baby]
Princess Carolyn: [pleading] Oh! No! Renata! [Renata picks up her bag and heads for the door] Who will take care of Natalie, or Needles, or whatever her name ends up being? [Renata grabs her sweater and puts it on top of the bag] Would you stay if I named her Renata?
Renata: I understand you are very respected in your field so I ask you this, would you work for a client who has no regard for your time, your boundaries, or your general well-being? [baby's crying grows increasingly louder.]
Princess Carolyn: Yes, that's how all my clients are.
Renata: [pointing at the baby] Well, she is your client now. [she opens the door] Good luck. [Renata leaves] [baby stops crying for a brief second, Princess Carolyn smiles, and then the baby starts crying again]
[Montage is shown of Princess Carolyn changing baby's diaper, and trying to comfort her is shown, and giving her the bottle. As all of this is happening multiple "Princess Carolyn's" are around her doing similar things, they are all visibly tired. They are finally seen sitting in the rocking chair in Princess Carolyn's bedroom. Princess Carolyn then goes to put her in the baby bassinet to sleep. It looks like the baby is about to sleep and Princess Carolyn lies down in bed as it is nighttime, the scene abruptly changes to daytime and UPCP starts crying again. Princess Carolyn groans]
Princess Carolyn: Mommy's coming.
[THE NEXT DAY]
[There is a montage of Princess Carolyn doing various things to take care of the baby is shown. Again, the other Princess Carolyn reflections are seen in the other seats, playing with UPCP or trying to calm her down]
Princess Carolyn: Ok, Nanny quits. No sweat. It just so happens it's International-While-You-Try-To-Higher-A-New-Nanny-And-Neither-One-Of-You-Has-Slept-In-A-Wink-Day!
[Princess Carolyn puts the baby in her car seat which is on the couch, Todd observes, smiling as he eats his cereal.]
Todd: That sounds fun. I gotta go to a bunch of meetings today. Or as I like to call it Todd-day.
Princess Carolyn: [interrupting him, irritated] Todd-day, yes, I'm aware. What meetings?
Todd: After I got fired from WhatTimeIsItRightNow, suddenly everyone else wanted to meet with me.
[Princesss Carolyn picks up the baby's diaper bag, the baby in her car seat, her purse, and the bottle as she heads to the door.]
Princess Carolyn: That's marvelous! Have fun failing upwards!
Todd: [enthusiastically] I always do. [They wave goodbye]
[Princess Carolyn leaves]
Scene 3: Princess Carolyn's Drive to Work
[Princess Carolyn enters her car and the other Princess Carolyn reflections disappear as UPCP finally falls asleep. BoJack calls Princess Carolyn and UPCP wakes up again and begins to cry again]
Princess Carolyn: [answering BoJack's call] Hey there. [Giving UPCP a giraffe doll that squeaks] Shhh...here ya go.
BoJack: Sorry, I can tell I'm interrupting your meeting with David O' Russel, so I'll make this quick. I'm making a list of people I need to apologize to
Princess Carolyn: [Ears perk up] Oh?
BoJack: Yeah, and I don't want to waste your time with another apology.
Princess Carolyn: [Ears lower again, sarcastically] How thoughtful.
BoJack: But do you remember the name of that assistant from like, twenty years ago who I screamed at for bringing me a room-temp Capri-Sun and told to quit the business? Whatever happened to that guy
Princess Carolyn: Derek? I think he quit the business.
BoJack: So I gave him good advice then?
Princess Carolyn: [Distracted] Hey, what do you think of Riley as a girl's name?
BoJack: No good, slept with a Riley once, didn't end well.
Princess Carolyn: How about—
BoJack: Maybe you shouldn't ask me about any women's names.
Scene 4: VIM
[At VIM, Where UPCP is still crying as Princess Carolyn leaves the elevator, her reflections are seen again doing multiple things around the VIM foyer, there is a co-worker birthday party happening as well, Stuart is standing at the desk as PC comes up to him]
Stuart: Ooh, loud baby.
Princess Carolyn: Stuart! I need you to clear my schedule for the day. My number one priority is finding a new nanny.
Stuart: Uh-huh, also I was supposed to remind you of the Manatee Fair photo shoot for the "Hollywoo Women Who Do It All" issue.
Princess Carolyn: Oh yeah, when is that happening?
Stuart: Right now.
Princess Carolyn: [Shocked] What??!!!
Stuart: Yeah, I was supposed to remind you yesterday.
[Princess Carolyn groans and walks upstairs to her office, she picks up the phone and calls Amanda Hannity, who is at the photo shoot. The screen splits and both Amanda Hannity and Princess Carolyn are seen on the phone with each other]
Scene 5: Phone Call
[As the screen splits, Amanda Hannity is seen at the Manatee Fair photo shoot, which is taking place at Smashbox Studios, with other women who "do it all" as Amanda is walking around there are photographers and models everywhere. As Princess Carolyn is speaking, UPCP's cries are heard in the background]
Amanda: Princess Carolyn, why am I not looking at your pretty kitty face at my photo shoot, so I can decide which parts to retouch?
Princess Carolyn: I don't think I can make it Amanda
Amanda: Too bad, Vanessa Gekko is here [Amanda walks to Vanessa and she waves]
Princess Carolyn: Gekko?! Well, that's fine if Vanessa needs to get the word out about her struggling business, but I'm too busy doing it all to pose for a photo of "Women Who Do It All."
Amanda: Well sure, I know that and you know that, but does the industry? I've got two words for you, "Karen Kitada."
[An animation of Karen Kitada comes up illustrating Princess Carolyn and Amanda's conversation. ]
Princess Carolyn: The creator of Med School Nights?
[Amanda starts narrating Karen Kitada's story]
Amanda: Karen Kitada created the number one show on network television, and, it's spin-off, "Med School Nights: The Day Shift" Everyone wanted to work with her, everyone! She had more deals than OshKosh B'gosh Outlet! Then, a baby fell out of her...
Princess Carolyn: Well that's—
Amanda: She took three weeks off, three weeks! And when she came back, Tumbleweeds, Crickets, and those are just two of the projects she wasn't offered because the studio was dubious about her priorities. [The animation ends and the screen is back to their call] Do you have the right priorities?
Princess Carolyn: Of course I do!
Amanda: Then prove it! Leave your work, and get your picture taken for my magazine! If not for you, for Karen Kitada.
[ Amanda's voice in the background echoing in the background Kitada, Kitada, Kitada...]
[Amanda hangs up and the screen joins and comes back to Princess Carolyn, Princess Carolyn is holding UPCP as the multiple reflections around her are doing various chores, like playing with UPCP, doing work on her computer, feeding UPCP, Princess Carolyn sighs]
Scene 6: Princess Carolyn's Office
[The screen changes to Todd getting a phone call from Princess Carolyn as he is about to do an interview]
Princess Carolyn: Todd, I have to go to a photo shoot, I need you to take the baby for an hour or so
Todd: Well you know how much I love hanging out with Untitled Princess Carolyn Project...
[Princess Carolyn sits down and quickly drifts to sleep, she starts snoring. She suddenly wakes up]
Todd: ....Sure, I'd be happy to!
Princess Carolyn: Great! I'll see you at VIM in fifteen minutes.
[The screen then shows Princess Carolyn's hands giving Todd UPCP, the background changes to the Manatee Fair Photo Shoot]
Scene 7: Smashbox Studios (Manatee Fair Photo Shoot)
[Princess Carolyn is walking around Smashbox Studios where there are manatees everywhere, doing makeup, interviewing women, taking pictures, as Princess Carolyn is walking up to Amanda, she overhears a conversation]
Manatee Fair Interviewer: How do you do it all?
Glamorous Mom: I just think of myself as having multiple apps running at the same time, I have my mom app, and my career app, and my wife app, and my yoga body app!
[Princess Carolyn walks up to the set where Vanessa Gekko, her son, and Amanda are waiting]
Amanda: Princess Carolyn!
Princess Carolyn: Amanda! Vanessa!
Vanessa: You've met my oldest, Yancy Charlemagne?
Princess Carolyn: Charmed.
Amanda: And where is your little precious ball of wonderful?
Princess Carolyn: I didn't know we were supposed to bring our kids.
Vanessa: It's a photo shoot for "Women Who Do It All" The kids are part of the "All," Otherwise, we'd just be "Women Who Do."
[Princess Carolyn sighs and picks up her phone, Todd is seen about to get into his interview before he gets a call from Princess Carolyn]
Princess Carolyn: Todd! Change of plans
[Tood's hands are seen handing a crying UPCP back to Princess Carolyn, the background changes to Princess Carolyn sitting down on some circular platforms with Vanessa Gekko, Amanda Hannity and Glamorous Mother, who now has a Joey in her sweatshirt pockets, and other mothers.]
Scene 8: Smashbox Studios (Manatee Fair Photoshoot)
[Princess Carolyn is seen trying to calm down UPCP as the other mothers are with their children, who go from newborns to teenagers]
Princess Carolyn: [To UPCP] Come on. Shh...Please, not now
Amanda: And who is this adorable pin cushion?
Princess Carolyn: I haven't even had a spare second to think of a name! Its a lot of pressure! I don't want my daughter to resent me for the rest of her life because I named her something stupid like... [looks at lighting], Light Socket!
Kid named Light Socket: Awwww
Mother of Light Socket: Don't listen to her Light Socket, she's just jealous.
Princess Carolyn: Oh! oh...sorry!
Amanda: And what have you been working on that's kept you so busy?
Princess Carolyn: We just locked picture on Birthday Dad with Mr. Peanutbutter.
Glamorous Mom: That sounds....awfully masculine! Dad, mister.
Princess Carolyn: Right, but I'm producing it so, strong independent woman, doing it all!
Vanessa: Oh it sounds like you're doing it all for yourself, but the new doing-it-all is doing it all for other women.
Princess Carolyn: Oh yeah well the twist about Birthday Dad is the women have equal screening time to the men in the movie, and the same number of birthdays!
Amanda: Very Subversive
[The screen comes up with a flash to the future, Princess Carolyn comes up talking to one of the editors]
Princess Carolyn: Less Man, more Leslie Mann!, cut out what you need to if it makes sense that's a bonus! Gotta go
[The screen returns back to the present]
Vanessa: Ladies, we have got to find time to connect like this more often! This is so empowering.
Amanda: We could put together a kind of low-key salon, where women exchange ideas and support each other.
Glamorous Mom: And bagels!
Vanessa: I'd be more than happy to host and take care of the caterer, and emcee, you know, "it all!"
Princess Carolyn: I'll co-host!
Glamorous Mom: In that case, why not blow it out? Let's make it an event!
Princess Carolyn: Oh, well—
Vanessa: Princess Carolyn, VIM has that massive foyer that never has anyone waiting in it! You could finally put it to use!
Princess Carolyn: [hesitantly] We could
[The screen comes up with another flash to the future, this time, Princess Carolyn is planning the event]
Princess Carolyn: [Pointing to some balloons] Move that. That's too close to the wall.
[The screen comes back to present]
Vanessa: And I happen to know the Fugees have been looking for the right time to do a reunion concert! Should I call Lauryn? Hill? I call her Lauryn.
Princess Carolyn: A concert? Well, that'll take some time to put together.
[Another flash to the future as Princess Carolyn is planning the concert]
Princess Carolyn: [Handling the speakers] Bring it on a little bit. Move it up a quarter of an inch. Do you mind?
[Screen comes back to present]
Vanessa: Since it's on your turf, I'll focus on the big-picture stuff and leave all the organization and planning to you! I wouldn't wanna step on your toes!
Princess Carolyn: We wouldn't want that!
Amanda: Thanks for stepping up Princess Carolyn
Princess Carolyn: Uh-huh
Photographer: Okay, watch the birdie!, One, Two, Three!
[The photographer takes two photos, the first one is of all the mothers posing, Princess Carolyn is holding UPCP being scared by the flash, the second one is of UPCP's quills pricking Princess Carolyn's hands, Princess Carolyn shrieks]
Scene 9: Tabbywood Apartments
[Princess Carolyn walks into her apartment with her hands full, UPCP is crying, she goes into the kitchen and throws her bags on the counter, spilling all the groceries. Amanda's voice is heard saying 'Kitada, Kitada, Kitada do it for Karen Kitada' rhythmically. Princess Carolyn's reflections appear again, some trying to calm down UPCP, some making phone calls, some looking through a book of 'Baby Names'. Princess Carolyn opens the fridge and mistakenly puts in UPCP's diaper bag without noticing and pulls out a sandwich. She heads over to the microwave and accidentally puts UPCP in instead of the sandwich. Once she turns it on she gasps and opens the microwave to pull her out. The scene cuts to Princess Carolyn putting UPCP to sleep and goes to lay down on the bed. As she lays down, the time automatically switches to daytime and a very tired Princess Carolyn wakes up to UPCP crying. She now has dark bags under her eyes and her hair is disheveled.]
Scene 10: Princess Carolyn's Drive
[She is sitting in her car as UPCP is still crying. She gets a call from Vanessa Gekko]
Princess Carolyn: [Wearily] Hello?
Vanessa: Just wanted to give you a super quick update on all the dietary restrictions for the Do-It-All-Ball
Princess Carolyn: It's a ball now?!
Vanessa: A ball, a gala, whatever you wanna call it
Princess Carolyn: It was just supposed to be bagels
Vanessa: Bagels, balls, is this really the Lauryn you wanna die on?
Princess Carolyn: What?
Vanessa: Sorry, I meant Hill. I call her Lauryn.
Princess Carolyn: [Looks at UPCP] Maybe I should call you back when I can write this down, I'm—
[Vanessa Cuts her off and starts narrating what each of the dietary restrictions are. As she is narrating, the screen pans around the room, showing the pictures of all the people Vanessa is talking about]
Vanessa: The Fugees are in, and they love fruit, especially Fuji apples, but they're not fans of Fiji water.
Princess Carolyn: Fuji for The Fugees, but no Fiji, got it.
Vanessa: Marian is a vegetarian, Meagan is vegan and Carrie and a few other luminaries like Gerwig and Larson, won't eat dairy.
Princess Carolyn: Cloister the oysters, say ta-ta to the tartare, make sure there's no feta for Greta or brie for Brie!
Vanessa: Perfect. Is that a fussy baby I hear? Here's a little trick I learned. [sing-song voice, high pitched] Goodbyyyeeee! [UPCP starts laughing, Princess Carolyn ends the call]
Princess Carolyn: Ugh
Scene 11: Princess Carolyn's Office/Phone Call with Diane
[Princess Carolyn's reflections are seen again, playing with UPCP, making phone calls. Amanda's voice is heard again echoing 'Kitada Kitada Kitada,' Princess Carolyn gets a call from Diane]
Princess Carolyn: Diane, hey! Look, now isn't really the best time—
[The screen splits into two, showing Diane in the middle of a field interviewing someone while someone is filming her]
Diane: I came up with a bunch more great baby names while I was interviewing this boring senator
Princess Carolyn: Okay but—
Diane: Jacinda, like the New Zealand prime minister who had a baby while in office, or what about Ravital, which is Hebrew for an "Abundance of Dew."
Princess Carolyn: —Is it weird I haven't picked. a name yet?
Diane: Ah, don't worry about it, my parents didn't name me until I was four and I turned out great right? [Silence] Right?
Princess Carolyn: Listen I gotta go, bye! [Hangs up phone]
Diane: Wait! what about Lucretia—[sighs and gets back to interview] So, you were saying your wife went missing in this wheat field? Oh, there she is! [Point into the distance to a chicken waving]
Scene 12: J'Von's
[Princess Carolyn is at J'Von's with UPCP getting groceries for the gala, her reflections are back and they are playing with UPCP, frantically putting groceries into her basket, and some are asleep. Princess Carolyn gets a call from Vanessa Gekko]
Vanessa: Princess Carolyn, the band changed their mind about the apples. They'd prefer sweeter ones for this event. But they're okay with Fiji if it's frigid.
Princess Carolyn: Okay I follow so far, for this gala, Gala apples over Fuji for the Bee Gees-- I mean, Fugees, but we have to keep their Fujees frigid, got it
Vanessa: No, their fijis frigid
Princess Carolyn: Right, that's what I meant
Princess Carolyn: [Repeating] Gala for the gala, but Fugees like Fiji and frigid Fuji- Fiji, fish!
[UPCP starts giggling]
Princess Carolyn: Oh, you think that's funny?
[Princess Carolyn gets a call from Mr. Peanutbutter]
Princess Carolyn: And how's my favorite client?
BoJack: It's me, I stole Mr. Peantbutter's phone, I had to—Wait, Is Mr. Peanutbutter your favorite client?
Princess Carolyn: Let's circle back on that, what's going on?
BoJack: Your "favorite client" just showed up at my rehab for the friends and family meeting.
Princess Carolyn: The what?
BoJack: Not important, but can you please come collect your "favorite client?"
Princess Carolyn: Yeah, hang tight.
[Princess Carolyn quickly puts her bags into her shopping cart and leaves. The screen changes to Princess Carolyn handing Todd UPCP while he is holding baseball gloves]
Todd: Uh, okay
Princess Carolyn: Thanks, [Drowsy, starts to repeat to herself] Fuji koojee koojee, Greta feta, Brie brie.
[Princess Carolyn gets a call from Flea Daniels]
Princess Carolyn: Oh hi Brie—I mean Flea!
Flea: What did you do to my film?!
Princess Carolyn: We had to make some edits
Flea: You mixed all the flashbacks together with the present-day scenes! We don't even know how Birthday Dad dies!
Princess Carolyn: Audiences are sophisticated, they can—
Flea: It's forty-two minutes long and ends in the middle of a sentence!
Princess Carolyn: Leaving room for a sequel!
Flea: I ain't got time for this
Princess Carolyn: So, Birthday Dad needs another pass, you can still—
Flea: No! Deuces, I'm out of here
[Flea hangs up]
Scene 13: Pastiches Malibu
[The scene cuts to Pastiches, where the Groundhog Counselor is talking to another person]
Groundhog Counselor: So here I am, digging a hole
[Princess Carolyn stumbles in the entrances, very drowsily]
Princess Carolyn: Fiji! I mean—excuse me! I have to pick up my Peanutbutter at Pastiches and get back to Fiji for the Bee Gees- I mean Fuji for the Mujis
Groundhog Counselor: Your arm looks pretty ripped up, is that all from needles?
Princess Carolyn: Yeah, my baby's needles
Groundhog Counselor: Listen, we're about to go have some chamomile tea [snatches Princess Carolyn's card without her noticing] and do a little guided meditation, why don't you join us?
Princess Carolyn: Well I guess a quick break couldn't hurt
[Groundhog Counselor takes his camera and snaps a picture of him, Princess Carolyn, and another receptionist to hang up on their wall. The scene cuts to sunset as one of the workers puts Princess Carolyn on a bench, she sighs and quickly falls asleep and the screen turns black. A muffled 'Hey' is heard, Princess Carolyn slowly opens her eyes to show BoJack on top of her trying to wake her up]
BoJack: Hey! You okay? You've been asleep for a really long time
Princess Carolyn: [Gasps, quickly jumps out of chair] Huh? What! Why am I here? Mr, Peanutbutter?
BoJack: Oh Yeah Mr. Peanutbutter!
Scene 14: Birthday Dad Editing Room
[The screen changes to the Birthday Dad editing room, with Flea Daniels, Mr. Peanutbutter walks in]
NOTE: SCENES 14, 15 AND 16 ARE FLASHBACKS PREVIOUS TO SCENE 13
Flea Daniels: Birthday Dad is over
Mr. Peanutbutter: [Overhears] Huh? No, I'm over! Over the moon about continuing to work on this project!
Flea Daniels: Go. Home!
Scene 15: Mr. Peanutbutter's Mansion
[The background changes to the outside Mr. Peanutbutter's house. Pickles is live streaming on tweed feed indoors]
Pickles: And I was like "Ilana you have to be my maid of honor."
Mr. Peanutbutter: [Guiltily] Oh...
Pickles: And then my other friend Ilana was like "Were you talking to me?" Typical other Ilanna, always assuming she's the Ilana I'm talking about
[Mr. Peanutbutter sighs and walks in]
Mr. Peanutbutter: Hello darling!
Pickles: [Pants] He's home he's home he's home he's home! Say hi to the Pickle Pack, Mister!
Mr. Peanutbutter: Uhh- hello internet! Keep up the good work with those charming memes! I love the one where the boyfriend is looking at the other lady, and his girlfriend turns to him with this expression of tremendous pain. How could this man, who claims to love her, betray her so flagrantly, that is a very sad meme.
Pickles: Uh- okay. Bye Pickle Pack! [Ends live stream] what is going on?
Mr. Peanutbutter: What do you mean?
Pickles: You've been acting different. I first noticed it the night of the Philbert premiere. When you came home late smelling like Diane. And then after a while things went back to normal, but then you got real weird again right around that time BoJack went to rehab. Right before you proposed that day, you also smelled like Diane. [Sniffs Mr. Peanutbutter] Oh my god. I get what's happening
Mr. Peanutbutter: Pickles--
Pickles: You feel guilty!
Mr. Peanutbutter: You're right! I feel so guilty because I chea—
Pickles: Because your good friends in rehab.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Right!—Huh?
Pickles: Maybe you should go visit him if it's making you guilty
Mr. Peanutbutter: Yes! The one thing that's making me guilty!