The Closer is a one-time character in BoJack Horseman. She works for the newspaper The L.A. Gazette and tries to convince BoJack on keeping his subscription to the newspaper. She appears in Stop the Presses, in Season 3.
The Closer is never seen, only heard and seen sitting in her chair talking to BoJack Horseman. It is implied that she is an elderly human woman.
Part of her arm that is actually seen reveals she wears a deep purple cardigan with white trim and a white shirt underneath.
In Stop the Presses, BoJack goes out front and almost trips over a newspaper. This angers him so he calls the newspaper to complain. They transfer him to someone called The Closer. She asks how she can help him.
BoJack angrily tells her that he never subscribed to the L.A. Gazette, and he's called multiple times about this issue before. The Closer assures him she'll do everything she can to help him, and has a drone send him a glass of ice water. The Closer then notices he's been subscribed for six months but hasn't complained until now. BoJack then explains it wasn't a problem until Todd started making a papier-mâché head.
The Closer asks BoJack why he agreed to let Todd use his house for his cab company. BoJack admits it's because he slept with Emily, Todd's old girlfriend, a few weeks prior. BoJack tells The Closer that his friendship with Todd has been really strong at the moment, and he hasn't been as mean to him as he has been in the past. The Closer guesses maybe he slept with Emily because deep down he feels like he doesn't deserve Todd's friendship, but BoJack says it's probably because he's just a stupid asshole.
The Closer says, "when you do bad things, you always blame the bad thing and not yourself when people leave you." She then asks BoJack if he always keeps people at arm's length, or afraid of being known. BoJack makes an excuse that he has to go to a marketing meeting, but asks her if he can call her back tomorrow. She says, "of course."
BoJack calls her back the next day and tells her about the meeting. BoJack asks the Closer why he still receives the newspaper. The Closer says maybe the newspaper reminds him of Todd's papier-mâché head, which he abandoned to work on his company with Emily, who BoJack slept with—and asks if that's why he wants to cancel the L.A. Gazette. BoJack denies this and says he wants to cancel his subscription because "newspapers are dumb." The Closer asks if he has any guilt over sleeping with Emily. BoJack admits he has had trouble sleeping.
The Closer says, with all the turmoil he went through, it would be nice to have something to depend on, that would arrive at his doorstep every morning. BoJack tries to stop her, but she cuts him off and asks if he has anyone to talk to about the feelings and issues he has. He is interrupted by Margo, who scares him by wearing the papier-mâché Todd head. She takes it off, telling him she was nominated for an award, so she has to take his boat out to international waters—and he never saw her. BoJack doesn't care and shows her off as he's on the phone.
BoJack tells the Closer that all he wants is to have control over his own life and that he wants to cancel the delivery of the LA Gazette. The Closer tells him that he doesn't want to do that, telling him control is a myth, and you just have to go with what life throws at you—convincing him to renew his subscription. BoJack thanks her and says she's given him a lot to think about, and he hangs up.
- On the desk of "The Closer" sits the Blarney Stone. According to Legend anybody who kisses the Blarney Stone is endowed with the gift of flattery.