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These are the quotes from Still Broken, which is the 3rd episode of Season 2 and 15th overall of BoJack Horseman.


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HORSIN' AROUND SET

Sabrina: I'm sorry I broke your expensive bachelor vase.

Audience: Aww.

The Horse: That's all right. I've learned that when you're in a loving family there's nothing wrong with a little—Horsin' Around.

Audience: (laughter, applause)

Herb: Cut! That's the show, folks. Now, let's hear it for our amazing cast. Joelle. Bradley. Little Sarah Lynn. And our star, BoJack Horseman!

BoJack: Thanks for coming out. Thank you very much.

Bradley: Wow!

Herb: Great pilot. We got the biggest laugh I ever heard with that "gag me with a spoon" joke. And then we topped it with the "get a room" joke.

Bradley: This was so fun. Do we get to make more?

Herb: I think we got a real shot. And as long as the ratings don't dip below a dismal 15 million a night, we could be on the air for many years.

(together, in unison) Joelle: No way! Bradley: All right!

P.A.: Your Squirt, sir.

Herb: Thank you. And if that happens, I want you to take care of each other. No matter what, we're going to stick together.


NOW (Herb's funeral)

Tina: (unintelligible groans)



Henry Winkler: Thank you, Tina, for those touching grunts and growls. I'm Henry Winkler. You probably remember me from my 2002 guest role Special Victims Unit.

Bradley: Whoo!

Henry: Thank you. But perhaps the greatest role I've ever played is friend. Herb was a dear friend and I am honored to be dedicating this bench in his memory. In his last days, Herb's cancer had gone into remission. He was full of hope. But on the drive home from the hospital, his brakes gave out, he crashed into a truck full of peanuts.

He survived the crash, but he was allergic to peanuts. He died instantly. Let us now read his final tweets. "I'm gonna live forever! Hashtag 'cancer free.' Hashtag 'invincible.' Hashtag 'tweeting while driving.' Oh, no, I think I'm gonna hit that truck. Hashtag 'hopefully it isn't full of peanuts.' Hashtag 'Oh, no. It was full of peanuts.'"


BoJack: I was wondering where you wandered off to.

Charlotte More: Oh, shit. Hey.

BoJack: Hey.

Charlotte: I'm no good with funerals. When I cry, it messes up my makeup and then I get really bummed out.

BoJack: Yeah, same for me.

Charlotte: Herb told me you came by the house last summer.

BoJack: Yeah?


FLASHBACK, BoJack and Herb are wrestling on the floor

BoJack: Did he tell you anything else about it?

Charlotte: No, we talked about cancer, how hard it is living with cancer, about the L.A. Kings, and then back to cancer.

BoJack: Well, that, probably—

Charlotte: Then I read that chapter in your book about how he never forgave you and he tried to kick you out of the house and you ended up wrestling on the floor over a telescope.

BoJack: Oh, you did read that part?

Charlotte: Yeah.

BoJack: I just wish there was something I could do.

Charlotte: Okay, I gotta go.

BoJack: Wait, I haven't seen you in thirty years. You wanna go grab a cup of vodka? I—I'm sorry, the funeral. I mean, a bottle of vodka?

Charlotte: No. You should stick around. Hey, maybe you'll find that something you're looking for. But if you're ever in New Mexico, drop me a line.

BoJack: New Mexico? I thought you lived in Maine. I always pictured you there. A little house by a lake?

Charlotte: I was just there for, like, a month, thirty years ago I live outside Santa Fe now.

BoJack: Oh.


BoJack: Do you think everyone here read my book?

Todd: Well, I didn't.

BoJack: Of course you didn't. Here's the CliffNotes version: "Shut up, Todd!"

Todd: Okay, you're clearly in one of your moods. I'm gonna go play astronaut in the trunk of your car for the next few hours. Have fun being sad.

Princess Carolyn: Hey, Do you know what you're supposed to do with our date pits? Why serve dates and not have a place to put the pits? You know, some people just have no class.

BoJack: What are you doing here? You didn't know Herb.

Princess Carolyn: No, but I do know a hot ticket, and this funeral's a real whom's-whom. Henry Winkler, Jake and Maggot Gyllenhaal, that Pakistani girl who keeps winning Nobel Prizes. I'm gonna go rub me some elbows.

BoJack: There's so much to hate about what you just said.

Princess Carolyn: Well, here's the good news. You know when someone dies, everyone wants to buy their shit? You're lucky you have a piece of Horsin' Around, because this is where money starts rolling in.

BoJack: What? I don't want that. That's blood money.

Princess Carolyn: Well, what do you want me to do with it? 'Coz it's coming.

BoJack: I don't know. give it to some orphans or something. I can't deal with this.

Princess Carolyn: Oh, come on! You don't think Elton John was raking it in when Diana died? More like "Candle in the Windfall." Cha-ching! Hmm—


Herb: (voice-over) You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life.

BoJack: Huh.

Joelle: Hello, love.

BoJack: Hey, Joelle, I actually came here to be alone.

Joelle: I'm at my wit's end, I truly am. I just flew in across the pond and I don't know which end is up.

BoJack: Hey, this might be a stupid question, but were you always so—British?

Joelle: Oh, let's get some light in here, it's so dreadfully dreary.

BoJack: Because I'm, like, 70 percent sure you used to be American.

Joelle: Oh, that's better.

Bradley: Hey, this one's having a freak-out. I think She needs to lie down.

Sarah Lynn: I'm not freaking out. I just don't understand why that lady was being all judgy.

Bradley: You were touching her face and telling her she was gonna die next.

Sarah Lynn: I'm eccentric. I do weird shit. How is that my problem?

BoJack: Hey, when was the last time all four of us were in the same room?

Joelle: Probably not since the show ended.

Bradley: Yeah, I left California pretty much right after. Now I got the biggest hardware store in Seattle. That's a lie. We're actually in Olympia.

Joelle: And I'm on the West End playing Juliet's nurse.

Sarah Lynn: And how are your kids?

Joelle: Oh, I don't have any kids.

Sarah Lynn: Oh, I just assumed you had a bunch of kids, 'cause, you know, your body.

BoJack: Come on, Sarah Lynn.

Joelle: I assumed you weren't still a massive cunt.

BoJack: Jesus Christ, Joelle.

Joelle: That's an okay thing to say in England.

Sarah Lynn: Shove it up your ass with a spoonful of sugar, you supercalifragilisticexpiali-bitch!

BoJack: Guys, hey, hey, come on.

Sarah Lynn: Let go of me! I'm gonna hulk out!

BoJack: Guys, can we just be civil for one day?

Bradley: Oh, you're one to talk.

BoJack: What's that supposed to mean?

Bradley: Were you being civil when you had sex with my mom?

BoJack: What? I never—Why would—? Wait, which one was your mom? Blond hair? Glasses?

Bradley: No.

Sarah Lynn: This sucks. You guys suck. I don't even know why I came to this party.

BoJack: It's not a party, it's Herb's funeral.

Sarah Lynn: Herb died?

Joelle: You know, maybe it's for the best we don't get together that often. We'd most likely drive each other mad.

BoJack: Well, no one knows how to get under your skin like family, right?

Bradley: We're not a family, BoJack.

Sarah Lynn: We probably won't even see each other again, until the next funeral.

(Pause)

BoJack: Why are you all looking at me?

Joelle: You are the oldest.

Bradley: You are a severe alcoholic.

Sarah Lynn: I'm honestly so high right now, I don't even know where I'm looking. Anyway, so long, thanks for the memories, and don't forget to suck a dick, dumbshi—

Man: Pardon me. Is one of you Sarah Lynn?

Sarah Lynn: I am. Of course. God, are you blind?

Man: Yes. Well, forgive me. I'm Herb Kazzaz's blind executor. Per the instructions of his last will and testament, I am to give you this disk. Am I close?

BoJack: Just take the disk from the guy.

Man: It contains directions to Herb's gold.

Bradley: Herb's gold?!

Man: There were no further details. He was a peculiar client. I told him, I'm not actually an attorney, I'm just a blind man. Still, Herb thought me wise for some reason. Perhaps it is my overly formal manner of speech. I bid you good day. Oh, pardon me. Ow! Right at shin level.

BoJack: What are we supposed to do with a floppy disk?

Bradley: Hmm


FLASHBACK

Herb: So, what's up, kiddo?

Bradley: BoJack and my mom are becoming, like, friends and they're acting real weird.

Herb: Oof! Uh—Hey, guys, guys, come on! There's somebody beneath you! Jeez, all day with the—Listen, kiddo, forget about them. You wanna check out this cool new game I got?

Bradley: You have solitaire? On your computer?

Herb: Yep. It only took twelve disks to install it.

Bradley: Wow!


NOW

Bradley: Herb's computer had a floppy disk drive. I bet it's still in his old office. Unless somebody else moved in.

BoJack: Nobody wanted Herb's office, remember? Because it was directly under tap dancing star Savion Glover's office. Let's go.

Sarah Lynn: What? Right now?

BoJack: Yeah. Don't you get it? Herb's giving us a reunion special. Remember how he always wanted to do a treasure hunt episode of Horsin' Around but the network said it was too edgy? This is that episode.

Joelle: I just don't know.

Bradley: Yeah, I don't want to do that.

Sarah Lynn: Yo!

BoJack: Wait, so you'd rather just stay at this funeral and be sad, instead of going on a crazy adventure to find our dead friend's secret treasure? Do you have any idea how insane you sound?

Sarah Lynn: Oh, I get it. You just don't wanna be here.

BoJack: No, that's not it. Herb clearly wanted us to do this, as a family.

Sarah Lynn: Who cares what he wanted? He doesn't, because he's dead. And we all know he hated your guts.

BoJack: Yeah. He was my best friend and he died hating me and nothing I do is gonna change that, but Herb left you that disk because he wanted us to find his gold. If we can honor Herb's last wish, then that's—something. I don't know what, but it's something.

Bradley: Okay. For Herb.

Sarah Lynn: Fine. Shotgun!

Joelle: Everyone knows you can't call shotgun before you see the car!

Sarah Lynn: My turn! Get out of my way!

BoJack: Brad, hang on one second. Your mom wasn't—redheaded twins, right?

Bradley: No.

BoJack: Okay.


Woman: Hi, Henry Winkler. I loved you in that one episode SVU.

Henry Winkler: Oh, thank you.

Woman: How would you like to narrate a documentary for—

Henry: Hey, listen, I am so flattered, but today is about Herb, so let's respect that.

Woman: Oh, God, I—I'm so sorry.

Henry: I'll let you get back to your business.

Princess Carolyn: Hey, Winkly, oh, such a shame, isn't it? About our friend Herb?

Henry: It really burns my brisket that some people would turn a funeral into some kind of schmoozefest.

Princess Carolyn: Yeah. I know. Those other people are the worst.

Henry: I bet that woman barely knew Herb. Anyway, hi, I'm Henry. I used to volunteer with Herb at Habitat For Humanity. Or as we like to call it, Herbitat For Henranity. (laughs) We spent most of the day working on that name, and only part of the day building, but still, we helped some people. How did you know Herb?

Princess Carolyn: We also volunteered at a, um soup plantation—er—Kitchen! Soup kitchen! Oh, whichever one is the good one.

Mr. Peanutbutter: What?! I never knew you did that. Princess Carolyn, please elaborate.

Princess Carolyn: Oh, hey, Mr.Peanutbutter, why don't you talk about how you knew Herb?

Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, I never met the guy. I'm just here to schmooze. Tell us about your thing, though, it sounds fascinating.

Princess Carolyn: Er—

Mr. Peanutbutter: Everyone, gather round and listen to Princess Carolyn's story.

Princess Carolyn: Okay.



Sarah Lynn: Wow, Herb kept all this old stuff.

BoJack: He sure did.

Bradley: Look, one of those answering machines with tapes.

Man: (on recording) Mr.Kazzaz, this is Manny from Pep Boys. We fixed the brakes on your car, and you can pick it up tomorrow. Just to reiterate, your brakes are in great shape and shouldn't give you any more trouble. Unless, of course, someone intentionally cut them, but why would anyone do that? I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Probably 'cause I'm such a big fan. Horsin' Around was a goddamn riot! I especially loved those kids. You know, wasn't so crazy about the horse, though—

BoJack: Message deleted.

Joelle: Mm—How curious.

BoJack: Yeah, how could you like Horsin' Around but not the horse? That's like watching Castle but hating castles. I mean, I've never seen it. I assume it's about castles.

Todd: Wow!

All: Ah!

Todd: Look at all these old 20th-century relics.

BoJack: How did you get here?

Todd: I was in your trunk. Now I'm in outer space.

BoJack: Cut it out with your childish high jinks.

Sarah Lynn: Yeah, get out of here, dweeb.

Todd: Whoa, can't I help?

BoJack: Here's 10 bucks. There's a Squirt machine by the garage. Get five cans.

Todd: You got it. I won't let you down. Oh, no!

BoJack: Your mom, was her name Karen?

Bradley: Can we drop it?

BoJack: Something with a "K"?

Bradley: Her name is Nora. You know, my parents got a divorce because of you.

BoJack: Nora? I don't know. I banged so many chicks in the '80s.



Todd: Okay, Todd, you can do this. Five Squirts. You just need to take this money and put it in that machine. This—Wait, what? What happened to the $10?! (grunting) No! Wind! Be cool! Hey, that's mine!

(screeching)

Girl: (screams)

(screeches, thud)

Todd: Oh, Why does this always happen to me?



Sarah Lynn: Looks like Herb set up a password.

BoJack: Oh, this is easy. Try "BoJack."

Bradley: No. Didn't work.

BoJack: "BoJack-BFF"? "BoJack-I-Forgive-You"? Well, I'm out of ideas.

Joelle: Hmm


FLASHBACK

Joelle: (on the phone) I'm just, like, so mad.

Herb: Well, you should be. You're on the show that fired Herb Kazzaz. tell me What are the writers doing to my baby? Are they killing it? Are they putting my baby into a car, then driving the car into a lake? Topical! I still got it!

Joelle: They keep giving the best storylines to Sarah Lynn. I haven't gotten a single very special episode. When am I gonna learn about drunk driving?

Herb: Don't worry so much. It's my legacy they're crapping all over. You're gonna come out smelling like a daisy. You're too good for this TV stuff, anyway. You're a real actress, you should be doing theater.

Joelle: Hold on.

Sarah Lynn: Hey, Joelle. Wanna go to the mall this weekend?

Joelle: Don't you have any friends your own age from school?

Sarah Lynn: No. My mom's boyfriend home-schools me. He's a photographer.

Joelle: well, I'm going to the Lilith Fair this weekend to support female solidarity. So scram!

Sarah Lynn: Oh—

Herb: Hey, be nicer to Sarah Lynn, will you? She didn't choose this life. remember this word: family. Okay? You two are family, whether you like it or not, and that's the most important thing. You listening? What's the most important?

Joelle: Family. It's family. I get it.


NOW

Joelle: I've got it! The password is "password."

Bradley: It worked! Good thinking, Joelle.

BoJack: So in that memory, were you British or American?

Bradley: The disk just has just one file on it, it's—It's the address of a storage locker in Van Nuys.

Sarah Lynn: A storage locker? Ugh! This treasure hunt sucks.

(rattling overhead)

BoJack: At long last, can you keep down the noise, keep down the funk? If tap dancing was gonna be a cool thing, it would have caught on by now!


Princess Carolyn: (narrates)—and when the mayor gave us the key to the city, Herb said, "Volunteering isn't about keys. It's about people."

Henry Winkler: How touching.

Woman: Good story.

Man: Who are you again?

Henry: Wow, that was touching. A story that could never be topped.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Or could it? Princess Carolyn, sing us another song in the key of Kazzaz. You clearly knew the man so well. Please tell us another story but with even more details.

Henry: Yes. That's a great idea, Mr. Dog-Man. Tell us another story, Pink Cat Lady.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Story, story! Come on, everybody. What is this, a funeral?

All: Story, story, story!



Todd: Well, you blew it again. You really are a dweeb.

Janitor: Don't say that.

Todd: Whoa, who are you? Some kind of magical trash troll?

Janitor: No. I'm a janitor. But I was clearing out some of the old stages, and I found this transformation chamber.

Todd: Looks like a bunch of old junk.

Janitor: Let me tell you a story. Back in the '90s, the biggest dweeb of them all was Steve Urkel.

Todd: Oh, yeah. It was so funny how he never knew whether or not he did that.

Janitor: Right. Well, nerdy Steve Urkel invented a machine that transformed him into the debonair Stefan Urquelle.

Todd: Mr.Janitor, you're standing next to a machine right now!

Janitor: Yes. That's why I brought it up. Now, this is just a prop. But it represents a very powerful idea.

Todd: So if I go through that magic machine, I'll become cool and confident?

Janitor: No, it's a—It's a prop. I just said

Todd: (inhales, exhales deeply) I feel different.

Janitor: Now, son

Todd: Todd? Who's Todd? My name's Toad. Toad Chavay. And I gotta get my bubble on. Machine? Squirt me. Hi-yah! That'll do, machine.



Sarah Lynn: Hmm.

Joelle: Look at all this Horsin' Around fan correspondence Herb received in the post. Capital!

Bradley: Guys. Someone already got to Herb's gold.

BoJack: Oh, shit.

Bradley: There's a bunch of fur in here.

Sarah Lynn: It's bear fur. I can tell. My stepdad was a bear.

BoJack: Herb's nurse is a bear. You think she knew about this gold?

Joelle: Hey, listen to this letter. I think it might be a clue. Ahem. "Dear Herb, just finished reading your novel. It's phenomenal. I'm jealous. I wish I wrote it. Sincerely, Henry Winkler, the guy from that one episode SVU." Herb wrote a novel?

Sarah Lynn: Oh


FLASHBACK

Sarah Lynn: You look thin. Did you get into CrossFit?

Herb: No, Sarah Lynn, I'm dying.

Sarah Lynn: Whatever it is, it is super slimming. I am for totes jel over here.

Herb: It's rectal cancer.

Sarah Lynn: Ew! Some of us are eating.

Herb: Look, the reason I called you is because I need a favor.

Sarah Lynn: Want me to leak a nude pic for charity?

Herb: I want you—to sober up.

Sarah Lynn: First of all, rude. Second, gross. And third, why?

Herb: I have a very important job for you, but if you're gonna be zonked out all the time, I'm not sure I can trust you with the responsibility.

Sarah Lynn: No! I can do it! I'll get clean tomorrow. (sniffing) I said tomorrow, right?

Herb: I've been working on this novel. I wanna be remembered for something. See, all I ever did was that stupid sitcom that got ripped away from me. But now, with this book, I have something good. I'm telling you, this book is gold. It's my Kazzaz-terpiece.

Sarah Lynn: Whoa.

Herb: I want you to make sure it gets published after I die.

Sarah Lynn: You can count on me.

Herb: To life, huh? It'll kill ya'.


NOW

Sarah Lynn: Oh, my God, the gold is his manuscript. Herb made me promise to get it published after he died.

Bradley: And you're just remembering this now?

Sarah Lynn: Yeah, I'm remembering a lot of stuff. The ketamine's wearing off. Oh, my God, you were the other kid on Horsin' Around. That's why you've been following us around all day.

Joelle: So no one's read this book except for Henry Winkler and now the book is missing?

BoJack: He must have been waiting for Herb to die so he could steal the book and publish it himself.

Sarah Lynn: But then when the cancer went into remission—

BoJack: Oh, my God. Guys, I don't think that car crash was an accident. I think Herb might have been—murdered!

Bradley & Joelle: (gasping)

Sarah Lynn: (huffing) What's going on? Something about a merger?


BAR, "WATERING HOLE"

Todd: My name's Toad, baby. (kisses a biker's GF) Mwah, yeah. Coolsville, daddy-o. Oh, lookie here. Yeah.

Biker: Yo! That's my bike!

Todd: Oops. Did I—do that?

Biker: Damn. I know I should be mad, but that guy's just so cool.



Princess Carolyn: (narrates) — and when the river finally stopped, Herb went over to a poor little Ottawan boy and he said, "Son, you have water now." You know, a lot of people go their whole lives and they never give a damn. But Herb? He gave those beavers a dam.

All: (applause)

Henry Winkler: That was beautiful. You clearly had a special relationship. We were gonna sprinkle Herb over the ocean, but his resting place should be someplace meaningful, don't you think? Why don't you take this up to Ottawa and spread his ashes there?

Princess Carolyn: Er—

Mr. Peanutbutter: And make sure you take a video, and I'll e-mail blast it to everyone here. So we can always remember your great friendship.

BoJack: Everybody, stop! Henry Winkler is a stone-cold killer!

All: (gasp)

Henry: What?! I'm not a killer. Unless you mean killer of gloom because I bring joy everywhere I go. Did you mean "killer of gloom because I bring joy everywhere I go"?

BoJack: You know that's not what I meant. You murdered Herb so you could publish his book in your own name. But we're not gonna let you steal his legacy, Henry Winkler.

Henry: I was afraid this would happen.

Sarah Lynn: Oh, no, he's got a gun!

Bradley: Oh, no!

Henry: What? No, I have Herb's book. I didn't kill Herb, but I did steal his manuscript. So that I could burn it.

BoJack: What?

Henry: Because—it's terrible.

BoJack: Well, I'll see for myself. "The air in 1830s California was fragrant with the flowers of laughter and the smoke of adventure."

Princess Carolyn: What?

Mr. Peanutbutter: Uh.

Henry: After he died, Tina and I agreed—

Tina: (groans)

Henry: —we couldn't let the book get published. It would have turned Herb into a laughingstock.

BoJack: "The carpenter's boy was a hungry boy. Hungry for crumpets. But also hungry, dot, dot, dot, for life." He literally wrote out "dot, dot, dot."

Henry: I know there's no accounting for taste, but come on.

BoJack: (sighs) He's right. Herb wanted a legacy, but he already has one. People loved Horsin' Around. This would only ruin that. I'm sorry I accused you of murder, American TV legend Henry Winkler.

Henry: No need to apologize. You ascribed a mystery to Herb's death to give it meaning. But there is no meaning in death. That's why it's so terrifying.

BoJack: I guess it was just easier to believe that you killed him for his book than believe that he just died—for nothing.

Henry: There is no shame in dying for nothing. That's why most people die.

BoJack: I just wanted to fix things somehow.

Henry: I'm sorry, Horse Guy, but you can't.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Wow, heady stuff. But let's not get distracted from what a true friend Princess Carolyn is. Don't forget the ashes, Princess Carolyn.

Princess Carolyn: Fan-tas-tic.


Todd: Hey. Special delivery. Courtesy of the Toad-man.

BoJack: Thanks. Hey, why'd you roll up your sleeves like that? You look weird.

Todd: Oh, I —(coughs) Well, you know, I was—I was trying out a new look. It was—It was a dumb idea. Yup. Whoa! Oh, no! Ow—Ow!


FLASHBACK

P.A.: Here's your Squirt, sir.

Herb: Thank you. And if that happens, I want you to take care of each other. No matter what, we're going to stick together.

Marv: Congratulations!

Man: Hey, good job.

Marv: You've got a goddamn hit on your hands.

Man: Anyone got coke?

Marv: ABC sent us limousines to take us to the wrap party.

Sarah Lynn: I'm scared. I've never been in a limo.

Joelle: Don't worry. We'll take care of you.

Man: Seriously, no one has coke?

Marv: Let's go.


Herb: You don't wanna go to the party?

BoJack: Nah. Hey, we never got a chance to walk around the lot. Wanna check out that water tank where they filmed The Love Boat?

Herb: Are you kidding? I've always wanted to get tanked in a tank.


(laughing)

Herb: Shh. Quiet. Be careful.

BoJack: Oh, okay, okay. You ready?

(jump)

BoJack: What?

Herb: What the? The water's only two inches deep.

BoJack: Well, that's Hollywood for you. Hey. Are you—scared at all? That if the show takes off, everything's going to change?

Herb: (laughs) No, I'm not scared, BJ. The future is bright. Just look at it.


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Resource: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=bojack-horseman-2014&episode=s02e03


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