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These are all the quotes said by Princess Carolyn

Season 1[]

BoJack Horseman: The BoJack Horseman Story, Chapter One[]

Princess Carolyn: I don't know how you expect me to love you when you so clearly hate yourself.

Princess Carolyn: BoJack!
BoJack: Oh, my God, we just broke up.
Princess Carolyn: Yeah, but I'm still your agent! I pride myself on my ability to separate my professional life from my personal life.

BoJack: Great. Then, as my agent, do you think I'm getting fat?
Princess Carolyn: No way! You are in the prime of your life, never looked better!
BoJack: What about as my ex-girlfriend?
Princess Carolyn: You look like a pile of crap ate a second pile of crap and then crapped out a third pile of crap.
BoJack: Wait, wait, so which pile of crap do I look like?
Princess Carolyn: The third one.
BoJack: What? That's the worst one!

Princess Carolyn: So, are you available for Tuesday, or are you gonna be too busy masturbating to old pictures of yourself?

Princess Carolyn: Take it easy, are you kidding?! He doesn't have a job. He has no real responsibilities. He doesn't do anything but take it easy!

BoJack Hates The Troops[]

Princess Carolyn: Listen, dummy, I want to make sure you're all set for your first day with Diane tomorrow.
BoJack: Is she gonna ask me a bunch of personal questions?
Princess Carolyn: The woman we're paying to ghostwrite your memoir? Yeah, probably.
BoJack: Okay, all right, there's no need to get—
Princess Carolyn: What, catty? Are you gonna say catty?
BoJack: I was not gonna say "catty."
Princess Carolyn: Oh, what were you gonna say?
BoJack:... I was gonna say catty, because you're a cat...
Princess Carolyn:(bats at scratching post toy with an unamused look) Goodbye, BoJack.
BoJack: Laura, I know you're listening! You got it, right?
Princess Carolyn: Laura, do not respond to him! Goodbye, BoJack.

Princess Carolyn: BoJack! I'm gonna level with you, honey. This whole you hating the troops thing is not great!

Princess Carolyn: I know, BoJack, just like always, you're right, and everyone else is wrong. But if you don't swallow your pride, this is never gonna let up. I know you're stubborn...
BoJack: I'm not stubborn, I'm proud!
Princess Carolyn: That's kind of the same thing.
BoJack: No, it's an important distinction!
Princess Carolyn: Okay, fine. You're not stubborn. But I'm about to tell you something very important, so I want you to listen carefully...I'm getting another call. I'm gonna have to put you on hold.

Say Anything[]

Princess Carolyn: You gotta get your shit together. So you took some licks, but you're gonna bounce back because you're talented, you're smart and, goddammit, you're good. You are a goddamn American treasure, you know that? You are BoJack. Goddamn. Horseman.

Princess Carolyn: Of course, of course. That's what you get when you fall for a horse.

Princess Carolyn: You gotta get your shit together. So yesterday you let yourself fall in love a little bit and you got your heart broken. Serves you right for having feelings! Starting now you are a hard, heartless career gal. Go to work, be awesome at it, and don't waste time on foolish flights of fancy. From now on, you're a robot. Beep bop boop blerp bleep.

Princess Carolyn: Where else would I go?

PC's Phone: Happy Birthday, Princess Carolyn
Princess Carolyn: [Sigh] Thanks, phone.
PC's Phone: You Are Forty.


Season 2[]

Yesterdayland[]

Vincent Adultman: This is boring. I want to go home.
Princess Carolyn: Vincent, be nice! He's a little cranky because he just got adult braces. 
BoJack: You mean, braces.
Vincent Adultman: Princess Carolyn, stop embarrassing me!

BoJack: If I could get everyone's attention. You're probably wondering why I invited you all here tonight.
Princess Carolyn: You said it was to celebrate Todd's legal victory.
BoJack: Right, but obviously, I don't care about that, so you're probably wondering the real reason.
Princess Carolyn: No, we just took you at face value (!)

After the Party[]

Vincent Adultman: Hi.
Princess Carolyn: Well, well, well, look what the me dragged in. Is it dragged or drug? Either way, drop dead.


Season 3[]

BoJack Kills[]

Princess Carolyn: (on the phone) Mr. Peanutbutter, my favorite weekday client. Why are you calling on the weekend?
Mr. Peanutbutter: I need your help. I've done something bad, very bad.
Princess Carolyn: Put the corpse on ice, I'm on my way.


Season 4[]


Ruthie[]

Charley Witherspoon: I'm so proud of you!
Princess Carolyn: Your approval means nothing to me.

Princess Carolyn:[singing drunkenly] Look at me, I'm a dumb cat queen, my baby was the size of a kidney bean!

Ralph: Judah told me you might be here. Did you fire him?
Princess Carolyn: That hipster Chewbacca, always getting in my personal biz-natch!
Ralph: I didn't know you still had this place. Why do you still have this place?
Princess Carolyn: Ok, what, third degree much?
Ralph: Have you been drinking?
Princess Carolyn: It's fine, OK? I get to drink because baby went gone!
Ralph: What?
Princess Carolyn: Gone, baby, gone! Like that Ben Affleck movie. Ooh, that could be a sequel: Gone Baby Never Was! Write that down!
Ralph: Oh my god, Princess Carolyn...
Princess Carolyn: It's ok! You know me! I always land on my feet! Take a lickin', keep tickin'! Like a lollipop with Tourette's! Write that down.

Princess Carolyn: It's so easy for you, to love me when everything's good.
Ralph: Princess Carolyn, I—let me take you home
Princess Carolyn: No. You need to live in this. You need to get used to this because if you're serious about having a baby with me, this could happen again. Are you prepared for that? This could happen five more times, but I'm ready for that, because I want this. Do you want it that bad?
Ralph: *sighs* I just think— we should maybe talk about other options.
Princess Carolyn: OK. Here's another option: get out of my apartment!
Ralph: I'm sorry, I—
Princess Carolyn: Get out! Save it for your next girlfriend, the one you can take home to your parents, the one who's easy!
Ralph:[sighs] ... Goodbye, Princess Carolyn.

Princess Carolyn: Hey, you wanna know what I do when I have a really bad, awful, terrible day?
BoJack: What?
Princess Carolyn: I imagine my great-great-great granddaughter in the future, talking to her class about me. She's poised, and funny, and tells people about me and how everything worked out in the end. And when I think about that, I think about how everything's going to work out, because how else could she tell people?
BoJack: But it's... fake.
Princess Carolyn: Yeah, well, it makes me feel better.


Season 5[]

The Light Bulb Scene[]

Flip:(to BoJack) You're the only one with a problem here. Gina is fine with it.
BoJack: (to Flip) Gina is not fine with it.
Princess Carolyn: You guys, you're almost saying exactly the same thing. Except one of you is saying "not."

The Dog Days Are Over[]

Princess Carolyn: Oh, my God, are you okay? I saw everything.
Diane: Yeah, I'm fine.
Princess Carolyn: I can't pick sides in this divorce because I'm good friends with the both of you, but I want you to know, no matter what, I'm here for you and also there for him. And if you ever need anything, just let me know and I'll be your rock, as long as it doesn't conflict with me also being Mr.Peanutbutter's rock, or my work, which is keeping me very busy.

Planned Obsolescence[]

Princess Carolyn: (to Gina) Can we lose the liner notes and get to the singing? I'm a producer. I can't just sit around having conversations, all day. (Gina sings a song from Kernel of Truth then apologizes awkwardly and leaves with tears in her eyes.) BoJack, I don't know what kind of power games you two are playing, but keep it in the bedroom. That was just mean, to her and to us.

BoJack the Feminist[]

Princess Carolyn: [to Diane] This town is as wishy-washy as a virgin on prom night.

Season 6[]

The Kidney Stays in the Picture[]

[Lenny and Princess Carolyn meet in her office to discuss the assistant strike. Princess Carolyn is seated at her desk.]

Lenny: Princess Carolyn, this is a catastrophe.

Princess Carolyn: You know it. [She swipes a pile of papers off her desk and into a bin on the floor]

Lenny: This strike has shut down the whole city! Assistants want respect? If we respect them, how are we supposed to work through our rage issues? On our spouses and children? That doesn't seem fair.

Princess Carolyn: There's gotta be a better way! [she swipes more papers off her desk] [excitedly coming to a realization] Ugh, maybe we could circumvent giving the assistants what they want by giving them what they thinkthey want. You know like how we satiate TV creators by giving them little vanity cards at the end of episodes, then sell the episodes to auto-skip the end credits so no one even sees the vanity cards.

Lenny: [smiling] Yeah, yeah that's good. But what do assistants want? iTunes gift cards? Amazon gift cards? I honestly can't think of another thing an assistant would want. [shrugs]

Princess Carolyn: When I was an assistant all I wanted was not to be an assistant anymore.

Lenny: Princess Carolyn, I'll say to you what I'll say to what I said to David Levy when were developing The Adams Family and brainstorming ancillary characters, like cousins and whatnot: That's it!



Lenny, Princess Carolyn, and Casey sit in the conference room]

Casey: I do not feel comfortable negotiating without my fellow assistants present.

Lenny: Yeah. This is not about that.

Casey: Good, because our demands haven't changed.

Princess Carolyn: Casey, it's been so thrilling to see you grow in your role as strike captain.

Lenny: [gasps] You know, there's an opening at my company for a development exec. I don't suppose you'd be interested?

Casey: Oh! Uh...I'd have to think about it. I never rea—

Lenny: You'd get overpaid to read scripts, company credit card, and a parking spot in the good garage.

Casey: Um...

Lenny: Plus, your own assistant.

Casey: An—assistant? [thunder rumbles outside]

Princess Carolyn: That is, of course, if the strike ends.

Casey: [giggling nervously] Well, that is a very generous offer, but I'd have to talk it over with my colleagues.

Princess Carolyn: Why? Those are assistants. You're not one of them anymore. You're one of us.

Lenny: [sliding Casey the contract from across the table] It's a two-year contract. Sign right there and all your troubles are over.

Casey: [exhails and shrieks heavily, she then signs the contract]

[Princess Carolyn and Lenny cackle]

Casey: What's so funny?

Lenny: I was just remembering a joke unrelated to this.

Casey: [she gets up] Can you tell me what is?

Lenny: You wouldn't get it. It's about Zsa Zsa Gabor, and it's no longer appropriate in today's climate.

[Princess Carolyn starts ushering Casey towards the door]

Princess Carolyn: You've made the right decision. You're gonna love your new job.

Lenny: Welcome to the team, Stacey.

Casey: It's Casey—[Princess Carolyn slams the door on her face]

[Later, Princess Carolyn and Lenny look at photos of the assistants and circle a photo of a rabbit man with red marker]


Princess Carolyn and Lenny set up a trap with a carrot, a wooden box, a tree branch, and a piece of string on the sidewalk to catch the rabbit man who is walking in the rain with his umbrella. They grab him and pull him in a red van.]

[Back Seat of the van]

Princess Carolyn: Sign here to run development for Saoirse Ronan's production company Saorise and Rescue.

[Rabbit man signs the contract]

[Back at VIM Princess Carolyn and Lenny circle the picture of a reptile woman] [At a restaurant Princess Carolyn has Ruthie in her lap and is seated with the woman]

Woman: [with tears in her eyes] I can't be an assistant anymore. Shirley MacLane threw a cactus at my head because I set a meeting with the wrong Steve McQueen! How was I supposed to know she meant the dead one?

Princess Carolyn: Shhh. It's okay. Just sign here and orchestrate your own great escape. [Ruthie feeds Princess Carolyn a french fry.]

[Back at VIM Princess Carolyn and Lenny then circle a picture of Stewart.]

Lenny: Ohh.

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