["So Why the Long Face" playing in the background of montage]
In BoJack's old house, in the living room, the last scene of Horsin' Around plays on a TV showing how The Horse died from the orphans not loving him enough. There is no audible dialogue. There is a pan out from the TV screen showing the mess of glass shards, broken vodka bottles, melted ice cream coming from a carton, and knocked over plants on the floor.
On the couch, there is a spilled bag of chips, drugs, a stack of Horsin' Around Blu Rays, remote, and a blanket. The new family who lives there arrives home and they are shocked to find the mess. From the window, BoJack is seen floating facedown in the pool with an opened canister of drugs.
The newspaper runs a story about BoJack's breaking and entering. There is then a cut to him waking up in the hospital in police custody by Officer Fuzzyface. Tom Jumbo-Grumbo is broadcasting about BoJack's Trial in a segment called "The Court Before the Horse."'' ''BoJack is seen walking into court with his lawyer.
The BoJeebes Kid appears on Biscuits Braxby's show, in a tabloid, and interview with A Ryan Seacrest Type.
Sarah Lynn's mother Carol and her stepfather are seen in a segment with Tom where Carol holds up a framed picture of eighteen-year-old Sarah Lynn while her stepfather puts his arm around her.
There is then a cut to BoJack's trial and a sloth attorney testifies against him.
Pinky is seen reading the L.A. Gazette and articles about the BoJeebes Kid and BoJack's trial are shown.
BoJack is in prison and his inmate is a male skunk. He goes to the prison window and holds on to the bars and looks out from them.
[Eighteen months later, in the Super-Max Prison BoJack is seen rehearsing a prison production of Hedda Gabbler with the theater group he started while in prison. A security guard comes and clears his throat indicating BoJack can leave for the weekend.]
Scene 1: Hollywoo (d) Hills Super-Max: Outside
[Mr. Peanutbutter arrives to pick BoJack up from prison]
Mr. Peanutbutter: There he is! Uh-oh! America's most wanted over here, huh?
BoJack: Thanks for picking me up.
Mr. Peanutbutter: The jury finds you guilty! of being a super cool friend, am I right?
BoJack: [already annoyed] You're extremely clever, can we go?
Mr. Peanutbutter: I sentence you to life! —filled with my friendship.
BoJack: If this is my only other option, I choose prison.
Scene 2: Silverspoon Diner
[BoJack and Mr. Penautbutter head to the diner for lunch]
BoJack: [referring to Princess Carolyn and Judah] So, you spend a lot of time with them, as a couple?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Well, I see Princess Carolyn at Birthday Dad events. Emmy's, Golden Globes, Critics' Choice Awards, Peabody Awards, The Nobel Prize for Television they created just for our show. But Judah usually just stays home with Ruthie.
BoJack: I can't believe she [Princess Carolyn] is getting married.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Thought it would be you, huh?
BoJack: I thought it would be nobody because I wasted all her best years.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Turns out her best years are now!
BoJack: Well, jokes on me. I couldn't even waste the right years. I'm shocked she could get me out for the weekend.
Mr. Peanutbutter: When are you getting out for real?
BoJack: Few months.
Mr. Peanutbutter: What are you gonna do next? Big plans post big house? Big Momma's House. Reboot of the franchise Big Momma's House starring you?
BoJack: My main goal right now is not to screw up this weekend.
Mr. Peanutbutter: You won't screw it up.
BoJack: I'm sure I'll find a way. [BoJack splatters his sandwich on himself, Mr. Peanutbutter winces and makes a sound] Can you get me another suit?
Scene 3: Car Ride
[BoJack is wearing a different suit, Mr. Peanutbutter driving]
BoJack: You think Diane is going to be there?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Everyone's going to be there. It's the party of the year.
BoJack: I haven't talked to Diane since, uh...What about you? Have you been seeing anyone?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, I'm too busy with my show. Those birthdays aren't going to dad themselves!
BoJack: What is this show?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Besides, I'm really trying to focus on myself right now. I had this breakthrough recently. One day in therapy, I just blurted out "Is my problem with women any movie directed by Christopher Nolan? Because yes, women are involved, but it's really never about the women it's about me."
BoJack: That's actually somewhat astute.
Mr. Peanutbutter: It occurred to me: "Are my self-destructive patterns and unexamined cycles of co-dependency the popular Jim Carrey character "The Mask?" Because somebody stop me!
BoJack: Are all of your breakthroughs phrased like that?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Are all of my breakthroughs a British prog-rock band from the 70s? Because yes.
[They arrive at Griffith Park Observatory, park, and get out of the car]
Scene 4: Griffith Park Observatory
[BoJack and Mr. Peanutbutter arrive at Mr. Peanutbutter's Press Conference at Griffith Park Observatory]
[Flashing Cameras, BoJack tries to dodge to avoid them, and Mr. Peanutbutter goes up to podium]
Mr. Peanutbutter: Hello, everybody! You all know and love me as the titular Birthday Dad. I've also been known for other roles: Sad Dog, Fracking Advocate, Finder outer of Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things?? Let's Find Out!, but you might remember me as the notorious stealer of the 'D!,' Now to celebrate the success of Birthday Dad, I thought it was time to give a birthday present back! I called up my favorite sign company and said: "I wanna give this whole town the 'D'!," 'D' for dad, 'Birthday Dad that is! So without further-a-dad, let's say goodbye to the era of Hollywoo forever, and say hello to Holly...Woob? Huh?
[Female orcas on drones remove the sheet to unveil a 'B' instead of a 'D'] [crowd gasps]
'Mr. Peanutbutter: [on his phone talking with the sign company] No, I said the 'D' as in Birthday Dad. No, obviously I meant the "Dad" part of Birthday Dad, I assumed that went without saying. [BoJack sits down on the passenger side of the car and shuts the door] Look, I gotta go, but the next time I need a sign made I'm going to strongly consider going with a different company. [Mr. Peanutbutter hangs up and sits down it car]
Scene 5: Mr. Peanutbutter's Car
Mr. Peanutbutter: Okay, next stop wedding! [finger guns]
BoJack: I'm not ready for this. You gotta take me back to jail.
Mr. Peanutbutter: What? Come on Shawshank you're gonna be fine. What do you think is going to happen? [puts his hand on BoJack's shoulder]
BoJack: [pushes Mr. Peanutbutter away] No, I can't be around people. I can't face them, I'm not ready.
Mr. Peanutbutter: What do you think is going to happen?
BoJack: I don't know! I never know! I just know something bad is going to happen if I go to that wedding.
Mr. Peanutbutter: How about this? We'll go to the wedding, and if you get there and you wanna leave, we can leave.
BoJack: You sure?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Of course, I'm here for you buddy, no matter what. Unless I see my good friend Erica and get distracted by some noteworthy aspect of her character or presentation, but BoJack, what are the odds that would...
[Mr. Peanutbutter is cut off mid-sentence and BoJack is seen alone at Princess Carolyn's Wedding, contrary to what Mr. Peanutbutter said, this is the final series appearance for Mr. Peanutbutter]
Scene 6: Reception Hall
[BoJack is about to head to the rooftop at the wedding (presumably to look for Diane) when Todd stops him]
Todd: BoJack! Thank god I found you!
BoJack: What? What is it?
Todd: The fireworks are going to start in ten minutes. There's no time to explain. We need to go down to the beach so I can sit on your shoulders.
BoJack: What? Why?
Todd: I just said there's no time to explain! Did you go to jail for being a bad listener? Come on! We gotta go!
Scene 7: Beach
[Todd and BoJack are seen at the beach, with Todd on top of BoJack's shoulders]
BoJack: So, Why did we need to be at the beach?
Todd: Oh, you just seem really overwhelmed at the party, I thought you could use some fresh air.
BoJack: Oh. Thanks, but then, why are you on my shoulders?
Todd: So I could get a better view of the fireworks!
BoJack: Okay, get down.
Todd: Oh, okay.
BoJack: I'm trying to set little goals for myself. Like, in a couple months, I'll beat my record for being sober.
BoJack: Yeah, so that's something to aim for, but then uh, after that
Todd: After that, you'll beat your record again. Everyday you'll set a new record.
BoJack: Sure. But it's easy now. In jail. I don't have to make any choices for myself. I worry about what's going to happen when I get out, what if I relapse again?
Todd: Then you'll get sober again—Let me tell you something, I was at the office the other day, doing the Hokey-Pokey with some work associates.
Todd: and I realized, everyone misunderstands that song.
BoJack: The Hokey-Pokey?
Todd: Yeah! There's way too much emphasis on the "Hokey-Pokey" part.
BoJack: That is what it's all about—
Todd: No. That's exactly what I mean. That's not what the song is saying!
Todd: And I was thinking about my mom, you know, my relationship with my mom. It's weird. You know, awkward. I feel like she doesn't really get me, but, you know she's trying. And a couple years ago, I never thought I would have any kind of relationship with her like I was sure of it.
BoJack: What changed?
Todd: I don't know, I did, or she—did? or um—we are?
Todd: So that's what I'm talking about, Its like the song says, "You do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around." You turn yourself around, that's what it's all about. [Todd does the dance move from the song]
BoJack: Yeah, I don't know if the songwriters put that much thought into the existential significance of the lyrics. They literally rhyme "about" with "about."
Todd: But isn't the point of art less what people put into it and more what people get out of it?
BoJack: Is that the point of art?
Todd: Maybe. Or Maybe art doesn't need a point. Maybe that's why it's called art.
BoJack: I can't tell if you are being smart or stupid.
Todd: Oh, I never know.
BoJack: I think you had it for a moment and then you lost it.
Todd: [laughs] Oh well, It was nice while it lasted, right?
BoJack: Yeah, It was nice while it lasted.
[They both look at the fireworks and smile, this is the final series appearance of Todd Chavez]
Scene 8: Reception Hall
[The scene cuts to the wedding after-party, BoJack looks at some honeydew and is disgusted (due to his hatred of honeydew), he tries some and ends up realizing it's not as bad as he thought them. Princess Carolyn sees him]
Princess Carolyn: Hey, There he is!
BoJack: Oh my God, that was an incredible wedding!
Princess Carolyn: Yeah? it wasn't too much with the fireworks and cirque performers and the procession of exotic peafowl?
BoJack: No! You produced the hell out of it!
Princess Carolyn: What'd you think about the part where the priest got murdered and Judah had to figure out which bridesmaid was the culprit?
BoJack: A little outside the box as far as weddings go, but it worked in context.
Princess Carolyn: I thought so too!
BoJack: I thought that maybe when I get out, I could go back and volunteer.
Princess Carolyn: Oh, Well that sounds fabulous!
BoJack: Yeah but—I didn't even think I had other options, a year ago, everyone in this town hated me
Princess Carolyn: People have short term memories. It's the best and worst thing about people.
BoJack: Well, maybe there's a way I could do both?
Princess Carolyn: Oh—oh
BoJack: I've really enjoyed teaching, Maybe I could direct something?
Princess Carolyn: I'm sorry I said anything I—
BoJack: Well I mean hold on, yeah I shouldn't just jump into something, but if there's a good opportunity, I'd be stupid not to take it
Princess Carolyn: Oh well I—
BoJack: I mean, we both know how hard it is to get heat in this town.
Princess Carolyn: Think it over, I'm sure you'll make the right decision—well, A decision
BoJack: Hey, you wanna dance?
Princess Carolyn: Yeah.
Scene 9: Princess Carolyn and BoJack's Dance
[As they begin to slow dance, they awkwardly try to hold each other and laugh it off]
BoJack: You know, I had this weird idea when I heard you were getting married, that I'd get here, and there'd be some sort of disaster, and I knew that either I would cause it, or just maybe, I could be the only one who could fix it
Princess Carolyn: A disaster, huh?
BoJack: Not like a "disaster" disaster, like a sitcom disaster, you know? Like, it would be time for the wedding and no one would know where to find you.
Princess Carolyn: No one but you, right?
BoJack: Yeah, and I'd find you in some special spot and I'd say, "Come on, its time to go," and you'd say "What am I doing, BoJack?"
Princess Carolyn: And then what? I'd run off with you?
BoJack: No, I would take you into going through with it, And it would be a symbol of how much I'd grown, that I could let you go.
Princess Carolyn: I'm sorry to disappoint you
BoJack: No I mean, I'm happy for you. Just—it's a better story if you had cold feet.
Princess Carolyn: It's a better story for you, I think I like it better this way.
BoJack: I guess you're right.
Princess Carolyn: What would you have said to me?
BoJack: Oh, I don't know. I would have said uh, "Come on man, do it"
Princess Carolyn: Oh, wow.
BoJack: No, no, no. I would—Okay. Hold on. Tell me what you're afraid of.
Princess Carolyn: In this make-believe scenario you came up with?
Princess Carolyn: Okay, "Well, I guess I'm afraid of losing some part of myself. I'm afraid that if I let someone else take care of me, that I'm not really me anymore. I'm afraid of getting too comfortable, you know, going soft. I'm afraid that this could be the best thing that ever happened to me, and if it doesn't make me as happy as it's supposed to be, that means I'm a lost cause."
BoJack: Holy shit.
Princess Carolyn: What?
BoJack: I don't know, those are some really good arguments.
Princess Carolyn: Are you kidding me?!
BoJack: Okay okay, look, "Yes all those things could be true, but on the other hand, what if you deserve to be happy? And this is a thing that will make you happy? And maybe, don't worry about whether you'll be happy later, and just focus on how happy you are right now?"
Princess Carolyn: [laughs] Oh, is it that easy?
BoJack: No, but you're here because at some point, Princess Carolyn thought this was a really good idea, and I think we oughtta listen to her because she's the smartest woman I know
Princess Carolyn: That's true, she is.
BoJack: Hey, if I do decide to get back into the business when I get out of prison, I mean I probably won't, but if I do, I'm gonna need representation.
Princess Carolyn: I can recommend some excellent people. [Princess Carolyn sighs and lays her head on BoJack's chest, BoJack closes his eyes and smiles, this is the final series appearance of Princess Carolyn]
Scene 10: The Rooftop
[The screen cuts to black and comes back to show Diane looking gloomy and smoking on the roof, BoJack comes and greets her]
BoJack: Thought I might find you here.
Diane: [Looks at her cigarette] I've been trying to quit.
BoJack: Yeah, you look like you've been trying really hard.
Diane: Don't be shitty.
BoJack: I haven't seen you in a while, doing okay?
Diane: Yeah, I'm doing okay, I mean, you know, okay.
Diane: I'm working on this middle-grade fiction series [Chuckles] I mean, who am I, Rick Riordan?
BoJack: Who's Rick Riordan?
Diane: Yeah, fair point.
BoJack: I've also got a new movie coming out
Diane: [Angrily] Oh yeah, with Vance Waggoner, right?
BoJack: I know what you're thinking but he's—
Diane: You don't need to explain yourself to me—
BoJack: I know you think I'm some kind of sell-out
Diane: [defensively] Don't tell me what I—
BoJack: But it wasn't like there were any other opportunities banging on my door.
Diane: I'm not arguing with—
BoJack: And The Horny Unicorn helped—
Diane: I'm not going to help you work through whatever you're trying to work through here, I just came out here to smoke, you came to me!
BoJack: Because I wanted to talk to you.
Diane: What? About The Horny Unicorn?
BoJack: No, about—I don't know I—I wanted to talk to you, I miss talking to you.
Diane: God, I wish I had my phone right now
BoJack: Yeah, I know what you mean. I never know what to do with my hands at parties
Diane: No, I wish I had my phone so I could play you the last voicemail you left me. Did you remember that you left me that voicemail?
BoJack: [Inhales guiltfully] Ooh—
Diane: I thought you were sober. You told me you were sober. And things were good in my life and I was thinking about my future. And I woke up one morning. And I had this voicemail.
BoJack: Look, I wasn't in the—
Diane: You were happy in the voicemail. You sounded happy. Or slightly sardonic or glibly nihilistic, or however you describe the feeling you get that's the closest to the emotion normal people call happy
BoJack: I'm sorry—
Diane: And you were clearly intoxicated and you were talking about swimming. "I'm going swimming," you said "Since nothing matters anyway and nobody cares about me, I might as well go swimming, right?"
BoJack: I'm so sorry—
Diane: "Call me back if you don't want me to go swimming. Otherwise, I'm just gonna assume you don't care."
[They both sit in silence, Diane angrily looks away and an ashamed BoJack guiltfully looks at her]
Diane: I thought you were dead. For seven hours I couldn't get in touch with anyone, and I was sure you were dead, and it was my fault for leaving you. For feeling good. For not worrying. When I left for Chicago, you promised me you were gonna be okay. But, I made you promise that. Was I selfish for believing you?
Diane: Why did you call me? You knew I was in Chicago
BoJack: I don't know, I was drunk and and—I was high, and I just, I wanted to talk to you
[Diane becomes upset and looks at the stars]
Diane: When I found out you weren't dead, I was angry. I was relieved, but I was also angry that I'd given you that power over me. I was angry at you for a really long time.
BoJack: Are you still angry at me?
Diane: No. I don't know. What good being angry at you has ever done for me?
BoJack: I'm sorry.
Diane: I wish I could have been the person you thought I was. The person who would save you.
BoJack: That was never your job.
Diane: Then why did you always make me feel like it was?
Diane: After you called, I couldn't trust myself. I was happy, and I didn't trust that, so I stayed in Chicago. We tried to make it work, long distance. But, it was hard, eventually, I just thought "This is stupid".
BoJack: So, what? You broke up with him?
Diane: No, I moved to Houston.
BoJack: To be with your boyfriend at the time?
Diane: Yeah, plus the winters in Chicago are as cold as shit, I don't know why anyone would want to build a city there. No wonder that cow started that fire, I get it, I'm on team cow!
BoJack: So your boyfriend at the time, he's not your boyfriend anymore?
[Diane brushes her hair with her hand, showing off the ring on her pinky finger, BoJack notices]
Diane: I'm glad I knew Mr. Peanutbutter, even though he's not in my life anymore.
Diane: I think there are people that help you become the person you end up being, and you can be grateful for them, even if they were never meant to be in your life forever. I'm glad I knew you too
BoJack: "Knew" huh? [Diane smiles] Hey wouldn't it be funny if this night were the last time we ever talked to each other
[Diane sadly looks away, signifying this may actually be the last time they ever talk to each other]
BoJack: —So now we end up watching Pieces of April every week
[They sit silently, Diane chuckles]
Diane: Sorry, that sounds awful
BoJack: Well, what are you gonna do? Life's a bitch then you die right?
Diane: Sometimes. Sometimes life's a bitch then you keep living. But it's a nice night, huh?
BoJack: Yeah. This is nice.
[They both sit silently as the camera pans to their heads staring at the sky. 'Mr Blue' by Catherine Feeney starts playing. They both sit in awkward silence for a minute with nothing left to say to each other until the credits roll. These are the final appearances of BoJack Horseman and Diane Nguyen and is also the final scene of the BoJack Horseman series.]