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Quotes by Mr. Peanutbutter

Season 1[]

Our A-Story is a "D" Story[]

Mr. Peanutbutter: You're a catch, Diane and I think you know how much I love catch!


Horse Majeure[]

Mr. Peanutbutter: Officer, the mail truck pulled up right next to me. I got a bad vibe. What was I supposed to do? Not chase the mail truck?


Mr. Peanutbutter: Thank you for your interest in the role of driver. I know you don't have your resume with you, so I've taken the liberty of letting you use mine.

Season 2[]

Hank After Dark[]

Mr. Peanutbutter: Chili is nature's chillaxative.


Mr. Peanutbutter: God, you know, you’d almost be safer in Cordovia.

Diane: Yeah, maybe I should go to Cordovia. I’m obviously not making a difference here.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Actually, maybe you should. Go feel good about yourself and do your important work. And maybe some space might be good for us.

Diane: You don’t really want me to go, do you?

Mr. Peanutbutter: Why does it suddenly matter what I want?

Let’s Find Out[]

Mr. Peanutbutter: Do you know anything about Secretariat? You know he was a horse, right? Oh wait, did I just spoil it for you? No wonder my wife had to write your book for you.


Mr. Peanutbutter: All I ever wanted, was to be your friend, and you treat me like a big joke. You think I don’t notice? Why don’t you like me?


Wanda: I’m only half paying attention to whatever you two are arguing about but it’s killer. Now, all we need is a happy ending.

Mr. Peanutbutter: I don’t think we can just resolve everything cleanly in a half hour.

Season 3[]


Season 4[]

What Time Is It Right Now[]

Mr. Peanutbutter: I’m sorry is that I wanted to make our home feel like a place that you would want to live that could be yours as well as mine!

Diane: Why is that so important to you?

Mr. Peanutbutter: Because otherwise, it feels like you’re a guest, and unlike the talking candle stick in the aforementioned Disney film—I don’t want you to be that. It makes me feel shitty. Like you’re just visiting here until the next thing, and you’re gonna leave me when you get bored, or find something better. Like Katrina did. Like Jessica did.



Season 5[]


Season 6[]

The Kidney Stays in the Picture[]

Off-screen Man: [to Mr. Peanutbutter] Hey! Sad Dog!

Mr. Peanutbutter: [finger guns] ha, ha...You know it!!

Joey: [approaches Mr. Peanutbutter with his takeout] Wow, Mr. Peanutbutter, and Joey Pogo in the same room? What is this? Two days ago when I almost hit you with my car?

Mr. Peanutbutter: [chuckles] No, that was outside. [points to indicate "outside"]

Joey: [excitedly] Listen, I've been trying to get in touch with you. I got a call from this mental health advocacy group. Those guys have been "jizzing in their pants" over your heroic admission of your struggle with depression and they wanna help share your story with the world.

Mr. Peanutbutter: [perks his ears, interested] The world, huh?

Joey: [pulls out his phone] I wanted to set up a meeting, but my assistant went on strike, and phones, for me, are like whaaaat? [shrugs]

Mr. Peanutbutter: Even if you had your assistant it wouldn't do any good. [puts a hand on his chest, and gestures] My reps' assistants are all on strike too.

Joey: [sounding dissapointed] Oh, bummer guess there's no way to get in touch then. [grabs the takeout bag from the bar where he had left it]

Mr. Peanutbutter: [also sounding dissapointed] Too Bad. I'd love to get together. [both look serious]

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