BoJack Horseman Wiki

These are the quotes and headline tickers from MSNBSea.

Season 1[]

BoJack Hates the Troops[]

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo:Our guest via satellite is Neal McBeal, a naval officer on leave from Afghanistan. Welcome to the program, Neal.

Neal McBeal: Thank you, Tom.

BoJack: Hey, I met this guy.

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: All Neal wanted when he got home and I emphasize, from Afghanistan was his favorite brand of breakfast muffins. When he went to the supermarket and called dibs on the last boxWell, tell us what happened, Neal.

Neal McBeal: BoJack Horseman, from the '90s sitcom Horsin' Around, refused to respect my dibs.

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: Have you no shame, BoJack Horseman? Seen here sneezing at a Christmas party.

BoJack: Oh, not the sneezing pic—Why do they always use the sneezing picture?!

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: In the '90s, we laughed at your antics. Oh, how we laughed. "Ha ha ha," we chortled in rapturous glee. But when you deny the dibs called by our men and women on the frontlines, that is a sick joke, sir. A sick, sick joke, indeed, and you'll forgive me if I chortle no longer, for to me—there is nothing the least bit funny about stealing a meal from Neal McBeal, the Navy Seal. [blows out water]

Todd: Wait, wait, you stole muffins from a Navy Seal?

BoJack: I didn't know he was a Navy Seal. I just thought he was the regular kind of seal.

Neal McBeal: This is classic Hollywood elitism. BoJack Horseman thinks that because he was on TV, that makes him better than everybody. Well, guess what, BoJack, now I'm on TV, so now I'm better than everybody!

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: That's right, Neal.

BoJack: You didn't even have dibs, you stupid sea cow. You guys think I should call in and set the record straight?

Diane: BoJack, these people feed off controversy. If you dignify the story with a response, it's just gonna fan—

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: I'm now receiving word that we've got BoJack himself on the phone.

BoJack: Sorry, stopped listening. You were ramping up to a "yes," right?

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: BoJack, what you did today was a slap in the face of America's heroes. Will you apologize?

BoJack: Okay, enough about America's heroes. Can we talk about dibs? Because he didn't even really have dibs. If he had legitimate dibs—

Neal McBeal: Oh, I had dibs on the muffins. I hid them in the produce section!

BoJack: You left them totally out in the open. That's hiding? How did you survive in Afghanistan?

Neal McBeal: Those are my muffins! You give me back my muffins!

BoJack: Hey, guess what, I can't give them back 'cause I ate them all, okay?

Todd: Dude.

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: Hold on, just to be clear, since this morning, you ate all the muffins?

BoJack: Yeah, I ate them all in one sitting because I have no self-control and I hate myself. Is that what you want to hear?

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: Neal, was it a small container of muffins, like two to four muffins?

Neal McBeal: No, Tom, there were a good deal more than that.

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: Can you remember exactly how many muffins were in the box?

BoJack: Yeah, there were exactly twelve! I ate twelve muffins, and I didn't even want one! There's your goddamn news story, the mystery of my missing goddamn self-respect! How'd I come off?

Season 2[]

Hank After Dark[]

Cardigan Burke: These allegations are so crazy, I can't even say them on TV or I'll sound like a crazy person. What I want to know is why we're letting a national treasure face the same kind of smear tactics used by the Viet Cong.

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: Are you calling attention to the fact that Ms. Nguyen is Vietnamese?

Cardigan Burke: I'd like to think that's a coincidence.

Cardigan Burke: Don't tell me what to spread. I'll spread whatever I want. It's called one of the amendments.

Cardigan Burke: Hating Thin Mints? Is he legally insane?

Season 3[]

That Went Well[]

Tom: For anyone who has just joined, actress and pop-star Sarah Lynn has died at age thirty-one.

Season 4[]

Commence Fracking[]

Tom: Mr. Peanutbutter, your wife has issued a challenge. Would you allow fracking in your own backyard?

Mr. Peanutbutter: I would.

Tom: Joining us now via Periscope is Frankie Flackery, foreman and spokesyak for Flackery Will Get You Everywhere industrial drilling company.

Flackery: Hey, how are ya?

Tom: Flackery Flack, let's talk frack.

Lovin that cali lifestyle!![]

Katrina : Before Woodchuck, the hands belonged to one Ernest Contralto, a criminal. The man was a pedophile murderer.

Tom: Well, if you gotta murder somebody

Katrina: No, Tom. Not a pedophile-dash-murderer. A pedophile-slash-murderer!

Tom: Oh, no! The way you said "slash" was very scary!

Season 5[]

Season 6[]

The Kidney Stays in the Picture[]

Tom: .....And they even let the birthday boy pilot the airplane. There were no survivors. [Tom solemnly puts his hand on his chest and then he continues] In other news, the newly formed Guild of Hollywoo "Guild of Assistants" to negotiate terms for a standard agreement.

[Interview with Casey McGarry, Stuart, and other assistants]

[cameras flash]

Casey: I'm confident about the coming talks and confident we can avoid the strike. Our demands are reasonable and our services are crucial to this industry.

MSNBSea Tickers[]

Season 1[]

BoJack Hates the Troops[]

MSNBSea's news ticker has the following headlines:

  • Man bites dog; dog sues man.
  • Cute child does things on internet.
  • Scientists discover water on ocean floor.
  • UN declares war good for absolutely nothing, says it again now. (A reference to the song War by Edwin Starr.)
  • Orange juice discovered to have several orange properties.
  • AIDS still a thing.
  • I wanted to write novels, you know.
  • US Government grants amnesty to millionaires.
  • Happy birthday to Enid Smith, America's oldest woman!
  • New Yorker goes to Italy, complains about pizza.
  • Condolences to the family of Enid Smith, America's former oldest woman!
  • Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner- gentrification? (A reference to the song Milk Milk Lemonade by Amy Schumer.)

Season 2[]

Hank After Dark[]

MSNBSea ticker headlines:

  • Prince Gustav introduces sweeping reforms to Cordovian legislature, uses salad fork as back-scratcher
  • Lab rat union files class action lawsuit against scientists
  • Comical misunderstanding leads to royal wedding for Prince Gustav
  • Sponsored headline: Scientists declare Chicken-4-Dayz new Glutbucket "part of a balanced breakfast"
  • Cordovian Prince Gustav wins silly dance contest; Cordovian peasants starve
  • Police find that mandatory bodycams are great for taking selfies
  • Food fight at Cordovian embassy reminds stuffy old dignitaries how to have fun
  • Take a job at MSNBSea, they said. You can write novels on the weekend, they said.
  • Hot new fad taking America's youth by storm: The measles.
  • Cordovian rebels seize capital

Season 3[]

Brrap Brrap Pew Pew[]

MSNBSea tickers:

  • "Skinny celebrity orders french fries during interview with G.Q."
  • "Obama declares country simply must see Hamilton"
  • "Person writing news ticker headlines wasting life, sources say"
  • "Polar ice caps so hot right now"
  • "U.S. celebrates three days without mass shootingthis just in: nevermind."

Season 4[]

Commence Fracking[]

MSNBSea Tickers:

  • Bipartisan committee puts forth plan to continue to ignore Flint water crisis.
  • Congress reforms exploitative prison labor laws.
  • Correction: Congress re-forms exploitative prison labor laws.
  • Kathmandu cat, man, doe man canoe to Timbuktu.
  • "Speak English!" yells patriot at soy milk.
  • Hero celebrity wears ribbon on red carpet.
  • Bloated corpse found in White House discovered to actually be bloated alive person.
  • California-Hawaii bridge battles ballooning budget, bottlenecking blackball by bottlenosed bellyachers, blackfish.
  • Muslim kills at open mic night, Christian kills at grocery store.

Thoughts and Prayers[]

  • MSNBSea Tickers:
    • President stymied by ball and cup game
    • White House calls for investigation probing ball and cup game manufacturers
    • President blasts "fake news" for "not reporting all the times I won at ball & cup game"
    • White House plans rally celebrating president's glorious achievement in ball and cup game

Season 5[]

BoJack the Feminist[]

MSNBSea Tickers:

  • Buffalo buffalo sues Buffalo buffalo for buffaloing Buffalo buffalo
  • Jerk chicken wins humanitarian award
  • Victims' families breathe sigh of relief as authorities declare mass shooting by white man "not terrorism"
  • Department of Education mandates blackboards be replaced with woke whiteboards
  • Beloved comedian graciously dies before truth of his horrible past comes to light

The Stopped Show[]

MSNBSea Tickers:

  • "Black Panther slays at box office; film also a success"
  • "Linkletter, Garfunkel enthusiasts open museum of fine arts"
  • "Owner of blue Toyota Camry left lights on in MSNBSea parking lot"
  • "U.S. military ends refugee crisis by bombing all refugees"
  • "EPA CPA tapped for CVS CEO"

Season 6[]

Xerox of a Xerox[]

MSNBSea Tickers:

  • "Rapper Chance the Snapper looks dapper"
  • "Mass shooter stopped by other mass shooter who happened to be mass shooting at same park"
  • "AOC and DNC POC not down with OPP, GOP "
  • "ICE abolished by climate change "