|“||Yes, thank you, exactly. Settle. Because otherwise you're just gonna get older, and harder, and more alone. And you're gonna do everything you can to fill that hole, with friends, and your career, and meaningless sex, but the hole doesn't get filled. One day, you're gonna look around and you're going to realize that everybody loves you, but nobody likes you—And that is the loneliest feeling in the world.||”|
Love And/Or Marriage is the fifth episode of Season 3 of the Netflix original series BoJack Horseman, and the 29th episode overall. This episode, along with the rest of Season 3, aired on July 22, 2016.
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Todd wakes up BoJack to remind him Secretariat is being released in theaters. While BoJack is initially annoyed by Todd rambling in about it, he then starts to feel anxiety when Todd begins to talk about how the movie could be a failure.
Princess Carolyn calls him and tells him the east coast box office numbers are in—and the movie is a huge success. Todd asks him how he feels and BoJack says he feels awesome.
The therapist, Dr. Janet, tells Diane that for the next time she has to focus on putting her feelings into words.
Judah walks into Princess Carolyn's office and tells her that he's settled on a dental plan, and he also asked her for a stake in the company, and she agrees. He also tells her that she has a night off tonight, so she jokingly tells him to get her three dates, because she doesn't know when her next day off will be.
To celebrate Secretariat's success, BoJack and Todd go to Hotel Kangaroosevelt to have drinks. There, Todd runs into Emily, his ex-girlfriend from high school. She's excited to see Todd and explains her best friend is getting married and she's here for the rehearsal dinner. Emily also tells BoJack she loved The BoJack Horseman Show in an ironic way. When she is about to excuse herself to go back to the rehearsal dinner, BoJack, thinking it's an actual wedding, tells Todd that they should crash it, because people love it when celebrities crash their weddings.
At their house, Diane explains to Mr. Peanutbutter that it's hard for her to talk about her feelings because she didn't have the support growing up as he did.
She gets a text from Alexi Brosefino, a famous movie star and member of the entourage "The Snatch Batch," and how he wants her to party with him that night so that she can take Instagram pictures. She agrees to go despite Mr. Peanutbutter wanting to just stay in. She assures him she'll call him if she's out late, and that she's probably not going to have a good time and she's only doing it for work.
At VIM, Princess Carolyn learns that Judah actually got her three dates—one at seven, one at 8:30, and one at ten. She asks him to reschedule two of them because she was joking, but he says it's going to be a really long time until she gets another day off.
BoJack and Todd crash Emily's friend's wedding party, and like what BoJack said earlier, everyone goes nuts that a celebrity crashed the event.
Diane shows up at Alexi's house, although he seems confused about her appearance. He eventually realizes who she is and invites her in. He introduces to the Snatch Batch—Carlos, David, and "Shitshow,” although they claim only the news calls them "The Snatch Batch," despite the fact that they actually do sleep with a lot of women.
Princess Carolyn is on her first date of the evening, and he's a complete bore who only talks about his job in auto glass.
At the rehearsal dinner, Taneisha's father lets BoJack make a speech. BoJack mentions in his speech that it's rare to find that one missing puzzle piece who completes you, and when you know, you know. Meanwhile, Emily tells Todd about her creepy ride-share driver. Todd then says there should be a ride-share app with only women drivers, and Emily thinks that's a great idea.
At Alexi's house, Diane is convinced by Alexi and the Snatch Batch to take a drug called "Gush."
Princess Carolyn is on her second date, an albino rhinoceros. It starts off well until he tells her she's too old to have kids. When she angrily questions how he knows that, he tells her he's the only albino rhino gyno on the planet.
Emily and Todd continue to plan their rideshare app. When Emily assumes Todd has a girlfriend, he says he doesn't have one, and she says she's single too and was actually hoping he wasn't seeing anyone.
BoJack then walks over and gives Todd his room key so that they can go "check the bed." Emily agrees, but Todd, who appears freaked out, says they will after he gets a few more drinks. Taneisha, one of the brides, makes a speech about how she thought about BoJack's speech, and now she's unsure she wants to get married anymore and calls the wedding off.
Alexi's friends bring up how Alexi texted a "cool, sexy" girl named Diane and told her to come to the party. Diane says that wouldn't it have been funny if he'd accidentally texted her when he meant someone else but realizes that's exactly what happened. Just then, the "gush" starts to kick in, and she starts to leave. Alexi catches up to her outside her house.
Diane, as the imagery around her, starts to get distorted, says she gets it—they're the cool kids and she's the nerd, and she doesn't belong at parties. Alexi says those labels don't exist in the real world, this isn't high school anymore, and they're just adults hanging out. He assures Diane she belongs wherever she wants to, even he sometimes feels like an outsider. Diane, still tripping, says she wants to go home to her husband.
Princess Carolyn is about ready to give up when, her next date arrives—a mouse named Ralph. They laugh at the irony, and when Princess Carolyn is about to leave, Ralph offers to take her to another restaurant that does a great cheese plate, and she agrees.
Everyone is crying at the rehearsal dinner. Taneisha's father asks BoJack to talk to her and make her change her mind.
Todd and Emily go to the hotel room. Todd suggests playing in the laundry cart, but Emily tells him in a serious tone she wants to fool around in bed. However, to clearly get out of it, Todd lies that he feels sick from drinking so much and he just wants to go to bed. After the two say it was good to see each other, Todd hurries into the hotel room by himself, leaving an upset and confused Emily outside.
Ralph and Princess Carolyn walk together to her car. They had a great time on their date, but Princess Carolyn doesn't know when she'll be able to see him again, as running VIM doesn't give her a lot of nights off. He accepts but still gives her his number, saying whenever she is free to give him a call and kisses her on the cheek.
BoJack walks into the bathroom where Taneisha is hiding. She says that she loves Karen but doesn't think she completes her like what he said in his speech. BoJack says no one completes everyone, and she should just find someone she can halfway tolerate.
She should sink her nails in and not let go, no matter what. Taneisha is unsure about settling, and BoJack says that's exactly what she should do because she's just going to get older and lonelier, she'll try to fill that hole, with friends, a career, and meaningless sex, but the hole doesn't get filled and one day she'll realize that everyone loves her but nobody likes her and that's the loneliest feeling in the world.
Taneisha comes out of her stall, and the scene cuts to back at the rehearsal dinner, with her happily announcing the wedding is back on.
Diane returns home, still tripping. Mr. Peanutbutter listens to a hyper Diane as she tells him that she doesn't always know how to express herself or what kind of Diane she is, but she realized she's, "all of the Dianes." She tells Mr. Peanutbutter she loves him and all the crazy things he does, and he's good for her. Mr. Peanutbutter agrees to all of this. Diane tries to carry him to their room, as the drugs make her think it's a good idea, but they both end up falling over and Diane breaks her left wrist.
Princess Carolyn arrives at her office to find Judah there working. He tells her he prepared their agreement, and he filled out the holiday cards with personal sayings, all she has to do is sign her name. Princess Carolyn sits down to fill out the cards, and she notices a card addressed to Judah saying how she appreciates him.
Todd lays in bed in the hotel room all alone. A downed Emily meets up with BoJack at the bar.
Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter are at the hospital, where Diane's wrist has been put in a cast. She's sad because she thinks things will go back to normal the next day—they'll fight because she's mean, and she doesn't know why she is. Mr. Peanutbutter assures her she isn't.
Diane says she wants to go to the Labrador Peninsula to spend New Years with his family, much to Mr. Peanutbutter's excitement. The doctor comes in and tells her blood work is good, but not to do any more drugs in the time being—because she's pregnant. Diane begins to say, "motherfucker," but the episode cuts her short.
|Will Arnett||...||BoJack Horseman|
|Amy Sedaris||...||Princess Carolyn|
|Alison Brie||...||Diane Nguyen|
|Paul F. Tompkins||...||Mr. Peanutbutter|
|Aaron Paul||...||Todd Chavez|
|Diedrich Bader||...||Judah Mannowdog|
|Lorraine Bracco||...||Dr. Janet|
|Raúl Esparza||...||Ralph Stilton|
|Dave Franco||...||Alexi Brosefino|
|Patton Oswalt||...||David / Pig Doctor|
- Secretariat is revealed to be a box office success.
- This is the first present-day appearance of Emily, Todd's ex-girlfriend from high school.
- When Mr. Peanutbutter is shown doing the dishes, we see he is washing a KONG Ball, a popular dog toy.
- This is the first appearance of Ralph Stilton.
- Diane breaks her wrist for the first time and for the next few episodes, she has a blue cast on her left forearm.
- The end of the episode reveals Diane is pregnant.
- Diane begins to drop an f-bomb in this episode, but it gets cut short to "motherf-." She says the "ucker" part in the next episode.
- Unlike other f-bombs in BoJack Horseman, this one doesn't relate to BoJack's pattern of permanently damaging relationships.
- When Emily tells Todd about the creepy ride-share driver, she avoids mentioning the name of the ride-share service itself, saying she shouldn't mention the name for "legal reasons." It is implied that the ride-share company she's referring to is Uber, which has been the subject of much controversy, including concerns about drivers threatening and mistreating riders.