BoJack Horseman Wiki

These are the quotes said by Herb Kazzaz.

Season 1[]

The Telescope[]

Herb: I'm not gonna give you closure. You don't get that. You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life. You have to know that it's never, ever going to be okay! I'm dying! I'm not gonna feel better! And I'm not gonna be your prop so you can feel better! Do you know what it was like for me? I had nobody. Everybody left! I knew all those showbiz phonies would turn on me, sure. But you? I don't care about the job! I did fine! I had a good life, but what I needed then was—a friend. And you abandoned me. And I will never forgive you for that. Now get the fuck out of my house!

Season 2[]

Season 3[]

Season 4[]

Season 5[]

Season 6[]

The View from Halfway Down[]

[The Dinner guests are all still chasing the bird]

Herb: All right. That does it, Son of a—!

Crackerjack: Cooey!

Herb: With a drop like that, you'd think she was the ratings for Veronica's Closet when it moved to Mondays!

BoJack: Ugh, comedy poison, who wants to laugh on a Monday?

Herb: BJ! Finally made it to our little soirèe, huh?

BoJack: Yeah, I kept having this dream where I was having dinner with all the people who were gone, and I thought, "I should do that!," So here I am.

Crackerjack: We've got to flank her from the left.

BoJack: Hello, Crackerjack?

Crackerjack: That's what it says on my underpants! [Crackerjack and BoJack shake hands]

BoJack: The uncle I never met, yet the uncle I could never live up to!

Crackerjack: HA! [Passes the pillow to BoJack] All right soldier, ready, aim— [Corduroy's lasso then scares the bird away, Crackerjack chases after it]

Corduroy: Hey, What's up man?

BoJack: Hey, Corduroy—Good to—to

Corduroy: Still weirded out? because the last time you saw me I was naked, hanging from my iPhone charger, holding a lemon, with a very erect penis despite being deceased in my trailer for over an hour?

BoJack: Yep.

Corduroy: You're gonna have to get over that buddy. [Grabs his lasso and wraps it around his neck, (to simulate auto-erotic asphyxiation)]

BoJack: [sternly] What are you—? Stop that.

Corduroy: Oh oh sorry, forget where I was for a second.

Sarah Lynn: [Comes up to BoJack and hands him a fireplace poker] Think this'll help?

Crackerjack: Kid's got the right idea, we can chuck the choker her and spoon her with this poker!

[BoJack aims to get the bird, the guests cheer him on as the Horsin' Around theme plays in the background]

Herb: Show her who's boss!

Sarah Lynn: Ruffle her feathers!

Corduroy: Get her to the kitchen!

BoJack: Ha! Ooh! And that! [The bird flies to the kitchen]

Sarah Lynn: All right!

Herb: Go!

Crackerjack: Ha-cha!

[The bird squeezes through the window in the kitchen and escapes losing one of her heels in the kitchen sink in the process, everyone except Beatrice cheers, the Horsin' Around theme stops]

Beatrice: [sarcastically] Yes yes, BoJack bullied a bird. Bully for him. Speaking of useless, my husband is running late, so we're gonna start dinner without him

Crackerjack: He'll be here before the show starts, won't he?

Beatrice: He'd better be. In the meantime, let's adjourn to the dining room before our dinner gets as cold as my parenting style.

Herb: Oh BoJack, no. There is no other side. This is it.