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These are the quotes from Downer Ending, which is the 11th episode of Season 1 and overall of BoJack Horseman.


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Bird: Whoa!


BoJack: Okay, how about this one? "BoJack swallowed a dozen pastries in the time it took the caterer to unwrap a fruit tray. When she asked where the pastries had gone, BoJack claimed he had no idea, spraying her with bits of buttery crust?"

Pinky Penguin:" World's 3th best dad" (laughing) I did that once. But with holiday cookies. I had sprinkles all over my sweater.

Diane: See? People respond to the flawed portrait I painted of you. They see themselves in it. Why do you love Secretariat?

BoJack: Uh...because he was awesome?

Diane: No, because he was flawed. BoJack, when people find out that someone like you, who seems larger than life, is actually just as wounded and vulnerable as they are, it makes them feel less lonely.

BoJack: Ugh, no! Maybe that's what flawed, sad fatties want from other celebrities, but for BoJack Horseman, they want a heroic horse-stud who is awesome and who can save them from their flawed, sad, fatty lives.

Diane: You're so wrong.

BoJack: Actually, you know what? Now that I think about it, I think that you're so wrong!!

Pinky: Listen, we all agree Diane broke the contract by leaking the first two chapters, but the response has been amazing! People want to read more, and we have to get this to the printers by the end of the week, because that's when the repo men are coming to take away our printers.

BoJack: The end of the week? No! Okay, what if I told you that I could have a new book for you by then?

Diane: What?

BoJack: Yeah, a better one. Better stories, better told, by me straight from the horse's mouth.

Diane: You're gonna write a whole book in five days? When's the last time you even read a book? The Firm, by John Grisham?

BoJack: Do you think what you do is so-o-o ha-a-rd? "I'm a writer. I go to coffee shops with my laptop and my notebook and my dumb glasses that I have to wear, because I'm so important I need to see clearly."

Diane: Well, I wish you the best of luck.

BoJack: You know what your problem is? You think you're so much smarter than everybody. Well, guess what. I spent as much time with you as you did with me. Why don't I write a book about how you married Mr.Peanutbutter because he's too dumb to see how much better you think you are?

Diane: Okay, I know you're upset—

BoJack: I'm not upset. I'm just sick of nerd-girls like you beating up on stars like me. It's pathetic! I'm sorry no one wanted to date you in high school, Diane, but I don't see why I have to suffer just because you were never especially pretty or interesting.

Diane: You really let me down, BoJack.

BoJack: You really let me down. I apologize for her outbursts.

Pinky: So, you really think you could write a better book by Friday?

BoJack: Damn right I can, so you can throw this turd of a book in the garbage and then light the garbage on fire. In fact, you can burn all books, because my book, written by me, is gonna kick your dick off.



BoJack: Okay, chapter one. Hmm...not quite right. What?

Princess Carolyn: (on the phone) Why are you rewriting the book, bozo? Diane's version is great. You're gonna lose gems like this one: (excessive throat screeching noises) ay-hem. "The only longstanding relationship in BoJack's life is with his agent, Princess Carolyn. Her loyalty must come from a deep-rooted faith that she's talented enough to sustain the career of a man society perceives as a joke."

BoJack: Yeah, I would say that I'm not such a fan of that one.

Princess Carolyn: Look, all publicity is good publicity. That guy who killed all those teachers and ate their fingers? He just got married in jail, and when this book comes out, you could be that guy.

BoJack: Egh, don't you get it? This is my last chance to make people love me again. If this goes out, everybody's gonna see the real me. Now, I spend a lot of time with the real me, and believe me, nobody's gonna love that guy.

Princess Carolyn: Okay.

BoJack: Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take a shower so I can't tell if I'm crying or not.


BoJack: All right, let's get to work. (knuckles crack) I feel like we can beat this font. Ah, Copperplate, a font for the truly modern man. Ha. No. There you are, Verdana. Thought you could hide at the end of the alphabet, did ya'? Oh, Comic Sans, you drunk, go home. 3:10?! I just spent six hours playing with fonts? Holy shit! Okay, focus BoJack, focus. Here comes the focus. Well, this can't be that hard.

Diane's voice-over: "BoJack often felt the need to impress me with material items."


FLASHBACK

BoJack: You can see from the teeny, tiny brush strokes, that this is very expensive. The color is, um This one they don't even have a name for, that's how exclusive it is, and this..

Diane's voice-over: "I wondered where this came from. There were two obvious suspects. His mother Beatrice, heiress to the Sugarman Sugar Cube's fortune and used to certain comforts, and his working-class father, Butterscotch Horseman, who struggled, and often failed, to provide those comforts. Or, maybe it was something even.."

BoJack: Puu-uhh-hh! Puu-uhh-hh! Hey, Todd, Todd!

Todd: What? What?

BoJack: Todd! Todd!

Todd: What? What?

BoJack: Eyeballs here Look at me. Look at me! I need to work. I can't afford to be distracted. Don't distract me.

Todd: Fine.

BoJack: Egh, Jesus, Todd! Read louder much?

Todd: Sorry.

BoJack: Oh, sure, just drop Toaster Strudel crumbs all over the floor, why don't you? Guess I'll just clean them up myself, like always. I can't work like this. Come on, come on, come on, pick it up, you dumb vacuum. I do not have time for this. I need to write. What the.. Come on! Seriously? You cannot be seriou.. God, why are you keeping me from writing?!


BoJack: My parents loved me so much, it was crazy. I remember one Sunday afternoon, my mother said, "Your father and I want to spend quality family time together. All the kids in school envy your intelligence and kickball ability. Here's an ice cream sundae." No, wait. "An ice cream sandwich." No. "A dreamsicle." Egh, no. I don't know. This is dumb.

Butterscotch: Nice writing, Shakespeare.

Young BoJack: What did I do?


BoJack: Just need something to help me focus. Coffee. No, no. Cigarettes. No, tequila! No, I just need the right music.. to do drugs to.


BoJack: Sarah Lynn, I know things got kind of out of hand last time when I tried to make you stop doing drugs. So I just want to thank you for coming over this time to give me drugs.

Sarah Lynn: Well, you can't go wrong with Dr. Hu's drugs. They're from another dimension.

BoJack: These are gonna help me focus and get work done, right?

Dr. Hu: Oh, Yes. These are what I give college students so when they come to, their term papers have written themselves.

Todd: That's exactly what he needs. Also, I should probably do another one.

BoJack: Oh, it's "Hu." Dr. Hu.

Dr. Hu: That's right, Dr. Hu. Dr. Allen Hu.

BoJack: No, no, no, but I thought it was "Who," like Doctor Who.

Dr. Hu: Yes, that's exactly what it's like.

BoJack: No, not H-U, but, "who," like, "Hello, who is it?"

Dr. Hu: I don't know. Who is it? I'm sorry, is this a joke? Is he telling a joke? That I just don't—

Sarah Lynn: Hard to tell. Sometimes I just laugh after he talks so he'll leave me alone.

BoJack: Seriously? Am I the only one who knows the extremely popular BBC science fiction show about the time traveling doctor who saves civilizations?

Todd: Uh, yeah. I know what you're talking about Doctor Who.

Dr. Hu: Yes?

BoJack: No. Yes, thank you. Doctor Who.

Dr. Hu: Yes?

Todd: I saw the one where she goes to the Wild West. The Cheyenne called her Medicine Woman.

BoJack: What? No, that's Dr. Quinn.

Todd: Who's Dr. Quinn?

Dr. Hu: I most certainly am not.

Sarah Lynn: Hu's not Dr. Quinn? Hu's Dr. Hu?

Todd: I don't know.

Sarah Lynn & Todd: Third base!

BoJack: When are these drugs going to kick in?

Dr. Hu: Any minute now, if they haven't already. I want you to take three of these every hour and take two of these every 1/2 hour. Whatever you do, don't take more than four of these every 90 minutes, and take the first two of the three before you take the second two of the four. And don't expose yourself to bright light or get wet.

BoJack: So Gremlin rules?

Dr. Hu: Exactly! Well, I'm off to perform child heart surgery. Wish me luck.

BoJack: All right, team, focus up. We got a book to write.

LATER

Sarah Lynn & Todd: Yeah, yeah. My God, this is so good. It's good. So good, so good.

BoJack: Okay, Todd, how is it going with the heartwarming anecdotes?

Todd: Great! I'm writing about that time we officially became best friends.

BoJack: Nice! Can you change best to pretty good? Sarah Lynn, how's it coming with the Horsin' Around years?

Sarah Lynn: Almost done with the story where Hulk Hogan guest starred and told us to say no to drugs.

BoJack: Great. Keep typing, monkeys. (Blackout) If only Hulk Hogan could see us now, right?

Todd: What?

BoJack: Because Sarah Lynn said the thing about Hulk Hogan?

Sarah Lynn: That was like four hours ago.

BoJack: Oh, right. How we doing now?

Sarah Lynn: Sending.

Todd: Just about to send.

BoJack: Nice. Okay, this is great. That puts us at 216 pages? Holy shit, that's almost as long as The Firm by John Grisham.

Todd: And we just needed to get to 200, right?

Sarah Lynn: I'm just gonna keep writing. I got a lot of synapses firing right now.

BoJack: It's surprisingly literate and insightful, but still fun. It's a beach read you can thumb through in a wing chair. Can't believe Diane thought this was so hard. "Oh, my fingers are cramping from all this typing. It's like they're having their period."

Todd: Did Diane really say that?

BoJack: No, but my fingers are cramping. It's like they're having their period, am I right?

Sarah Lynn: (forced laugh)

BoJack: Are you just laughing so I'll leave you alone?

Sarah Lynn: (forced laugh) Good one.

BoJack: We just need a way to end this thing. What should the ending be?

Todd: Maybe it was Earth all along.

BoJack: Not that, but something like that. Keep thinking. (Blackout) I got it! Did you guys switch clothes?

Sarah Lynn: No.

Todd: (talking backward)

BoJack: Er—What—Huh—?

Sarah Lynn: I don't know. I like your idea better, BoJack.

BoJack: What?

Todd: Your idea for the ending.

BoJack: Oh, what'd I say?

Todd: About Maine. About how you end up in Maine.

Sarah Lynn: I like the part where you swim in the lake in the summers.

BoJack: Yeah, right, and when I get too old to take care of myself, I go for one last swim. I know I can't make it back to shore. I'm too weak, too tired. So I just let the water take me under.

Todd: Eesh! Downer ending.

BoJack: You got something better?

Sarah Lynn: Wait a minute. Maybe we don't know the ending yet because you haven't lived it.

Todd: Yeah, I mean, if you want to, like, finish finish the book, then you'd have to, like, die tonight.

Sarah Lynn: I know! I should murder you. ... I'm serious. Think about it. If the little girl you raised on television killed you in real life (gasps) people would eat that shit up.

BoJack: I love it. It's perfect. We'll sell so many books.

Todd: Oh, yeah. Yeah, kill BoJack!


Sarah Lynn: I'm gonna kill you!

Todd: Yes! There it is! Yeah, gonna get you!

(all yelling)
(ominous rock music)

BoJack: No, no, no, no


BoJack: Okay, so what did we learn? We learned that if we're going to do drugs we should do them at home where it's safe to do them together, right, Todd?

Sarah Lynn: No!

BoJack: Don't worry, guys. I have this gun to keep us safe from intruders. And each other.

Todd: Wait, wait, wait. Is that just your gun-shaped lighter, or your lighter-shaped gun?

BoJack: Busted! It's just a lighter.

(gunshot)

ALL: Aah!

BoJack: Shit, I guess it's my gun. Then what'd I do with my lighter? And what did I give to that baby?

Todd: Ha, I have a gun, too.

BoJack: Don't be a Silly Billy. That's a broom. Wait, am I holding a gun? (Blackout) Todd, are you holding a gun or a broom?


Todd: I can't tell anymore!!

BoJack: I guess we'll just have to shoot them at each other at the same time to find out!

Todd: Okay!

BoJack: Todd, sh—Oh— Can I just say—Todd, Todd, I need you—I need you to shh. Listen, listen, Todd. Okay, just to be totally clear, we're shooting each other to determine whether we're holding guns or brooms, right? Not because you're still mad about the whole me sabotaging you with the rock opera and your live stream and suchety-such?

Todd: BoJack, shh, shh, okay, BoJ? Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet. As you know, I was hurt, but then I realized that's just how you are. You know, and maybe I just need to stop expecting you to be a good person, so that way, I won't get hurt when you're not.

BoJack: Oh—oh, Okay.

Sarah Lynn: Hey, this isn't fair. I don't have a gun.

BoJack: Sarah Lynn is right. You know, if we all had guns, then no one would need a gun, and we would all be safe. Oh my God. I think we just solved the gun crisis in America.

Todd: Let them eat guns!

(fake gunfire)

Todd: Bang, bang, pow, pow, yeah, wow!

Sarah Lynn: Let's celebrate by taking more drugs.

(intense electronic music)

Todd: Now we just have to solve the drug crisis in America.

BoJack: Easy! We'll take them all.

Todd: Yes!

Sarah Lynn: (laughing)

"Madness, Chaos in the brain"
"Let my blood flow"
"Make my blood flow"
"Through you, man"
"You've got no business"
"Questioning a thing"

(music fades)(echoing whooping sound)


TWO DAYS LATER

Diane: BoJack?

BoJack: (groans, sniffs)

Diane: Hey, sorry. You okay?

BoJack: Yeah

Diane: Listen, I've thought about it, and you're right. Your memoir should be a representation of you. It's only fair you're happy with how you're portrayed.

BoJack: Really?

Diane: Yeah. And I want to help write a book we can both be proud of.

BoJack: Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you.

(kissing)

Diane: Oh, Wha— Ooh!

BoJack: Are you okay?

Diane: Oh, no! (panting) Not this again! Ga-a-a-h-h-h!

BoJack: (yelling) What is happening?!

Diane: I ate too many pa-a-ancakes!

BoJack: Oh, shit, I'm still tripping.


Actually, not two days later. Just two minutes later.

Diane: (groaning, grunting) Kiss me.

BoJack: Oh, go— (whimpering)

(Electrical crackling)

BoJack: Ah—ah—oh! Oh, oh, ah, ah. (yelling)

(laughter)

BoJack: (sneezes, cries)


Herb: You abandoned me, and I will never forgive you for that!


CUT, "Silver Spoon diner"

Mr. Peanutbutter: I'm Mr.Peanut—I'm Mr.Peanut—I'm Mr. Peanutbutter.

BoJack: Oh, my God! (grunting, panting) What?

Mr. Peanutbutter: (deep voice) Hoo hoo hah hah hah—

BoJack: Ah! (thud) Whoa. What the— Whoa! Okay, stay calm. I don't have outlines anymore. That's okay. There's no boundary between me and space. This is a thing that happens. (groans)


BoJack: Shouldn't we help him?

Diane: No, he loves treading water.

BoJack: Oh—Oh, God. Oh—uh-oh. (whimpering) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

(shrill laughter)

(laughter, chatter)

BoJack: Why is everyone laughing? What's so funny?

Herb: Cut! Get your head out of your ass, B.J. Your line is, "This is all I am and all I'll ever be."

BoJack: "This is all I am and all I'll ever be."

Ethan: "You can say that again (voice changes) old man."

(echoing laughter)
(soft heavently choir) "Oh"

Sabrina: Horse, horse, horse!

BoJack: What is it?

Sarah Lynn: Will you make me a penis butter and va-jelly sandwich?

BoJack: What?!


Sarah Lynn: I said, make me a penis butter va-jelly sandwich, bitch!

(laughter)

BoJack: No, no.

Todd: (voice) No? Well, isn't it too late to say no, BoJack? This is the road you chose.

(laughter)

BoJack: I'm sinking, somebody help. The floor is tar.

Charlotte: Why don't you come with me? Come to Maine.

BoJack: I can't, I'm stuck. Do they have Pinkberry in Maine? I can't!


PAST

Beatrice: Go out there.

Young BoJack: I can't.

Beatrice: Can't lives in a house on Won't Street. You will not embarrass me in front of the entire Supper Club. I told them you were going to sing the "Lollipop" song.

Young BoJack: But I don't feel like singing.

Beatrice: Nobody gives a damn what you feel. You've got an audience out there, and they want to hear you sing. Now, you want your mommy to love you? You go out there and you do the only thing you're good for, which is singing the goddamn Lollipop song. And let me tell you somethin'. The secret to living forever is..

CUT, CEMETERY
"Here lies Beatrice Horseman wife and mother"
"Butterscotch Horseman Patriot, Patriarch, Pony"
"BoJack Horseman whom no one remembers... "

BoJack: Oh, no.

"LIFE HELP 5c. The memoirist is IN"

Muppet Diane: Hey. What seems to be the problem?

BoJack: Good grief. I'm so depressed. I just want everyone to love me, but I don't know how to make them do it.

Diane: You can't force love, you blockhead. All you can do is be good to the people in your life, and keep your heart open.

BoJack: I screwed it all up. It's too late for me, isn't it?

Diane: I don't know. I'm just a crazy drug hallucination. I'll say whatever you want me to.

BoJack: Then tell me it's not too late.

Diane: Well, it's not too late. It's never too late.

BoJack: Yeah, that's right.

Diane: It's never too late to be the person you want to be. You need to choose the life you want. That'll be 5 cents please


CUT, Winter

BoJack: (grunts)

Charlotte: BoJack.

BoJack: Yes, dear?

Charlotte: Supper's ready.

BoJack: Ran into Ed at the hardware store. He said we're in for some weather. What the hell does that mean? "Some weather." We're always in for some weather. Guess what, Ed? There's never not weather.

Charlotte: (laughs) Oh, BoJack, don't.

BoJack: Come on, I can't help it. It's just so cute how they do it automatically. How do they know?

Charlotte: Mwah.

BoJack: Oh, man, can we just stay exactly like this for the rest of our lives, please?

Charlotte: Yeah, okay, sure, or we could do the opposite of that, because I'm pregnant.

BoJack: What? That's amazing.

Charlotte: Yeah, and I'm 80% sure it's yours. Mwah.

BoJack: Is it weird that I want to make love to you right now?

Charlotte: Why would that be weird?

BoJack: I don't know, it's— I don't want to spook the baby. Maybe we should just do mouth and hand stuff for the next nine months.

Charlotte: Mwah.

(mellow instrumentals)
Nine months later

BoJack: I think someone's awake.

Infant Harper: Dada coming? Dada coming?

BoJack: Yes, Gooby Girl, Dada's coming.

Harper: Dada.

BoJack: I'm gonna eat your finger. Yum, yum, num, num.

Harper: (gigling, cooing)

LATER

Young Harper: Daddy?

BoJack: Harper?

Harper: Where do the stars go?

BoJack: They're still there. We just can't see them because the sun is shining.

Harper: Oh, Daddy?

BoJack: Harper?

Harper: Do you think if you were a little kid, we would be friends?

BoJack: Well, that depends. Do you love cookies, and the color green, and braids?

Harper: Yes, I love all those things.

BoJack: Well, then, your application has been submitted and is pending board approval. Approved!

Harper: Wah! (laughing) Whoa!

LATER

Teenage Harper: No splashing! No. It's rough, don't. You're tickling.

Boy: I got you!

BoJack: She grew up so fast.

Charlotte: I don't like that he drives a motorcycle.

BoJack: Honey, a Vespa is not a motorcycle.

Charlotte: (laughs) Okay, okay.

BoJack: What are you thinking about?

Charlotte: Oh, just how nice things could've been if you had chosen this life.

(distant rhythmic sound)

(cell phone vibrating)
CUT, BELLICAN'S

BoJack: Oh— What? Where? Hello?

Princess Carolyn: BoJack, I read the pages you sent me last night, and I have to tell you, your book is absolutely, without a doubt, the most— gibberish. It's gibberish.

BoJack: What day is it?

Princess Carolyn: Let's see what you got here. You got 20 pages of Doctor Who erotic fan fiction, a recipe for soup, five different theories about how 9/11 happened, and a bunch of embedded YouTube videos that can't possibly be printed in book form.

BoJack: Okay, I gotta go.

(beep)

CUT, NOHO
"This Weekend Only!!"
"Ghost Write Con"
"All the Ghostwriters"
"You Know and Love!"

Pinky: Any questions, at all, for our panel of ghostwriters?

Fan Girl: Um, yeah, I have a question for Tori Spelling.

Pinky: Again, Tori Spelling is not here, as I already explained. Tori Spelling's ghostwriter is here. This is a ghostwriter convention. How do you not— Okay, next question?

Man: Uh, yeah, this is for the whole panel. What's your favorite kind of ghost to write for?

Pinky: What?! No, they don't write for ghosts. That's not wha— Why did I think this would be a good idea? Does anyone have an actual question for someone on this panel? An actual question, or a gun, so I can shoot myself?

BoJack: Yeah, I got a question.

Pinky: Oh, thank God.

(microphone feedback)

BoJack: My question is for Diane. Look, I'm sorry about all the stuff I said about you earlier. We can publish the book you wrote. You're obviously a better writer than I am, and I don't actually even really care what the world thinks about me anymore. I just hated reading that book because I hated feeling like that's how you saw me. Because I guess you know me better than anybody, and if you think that— Um, I guess my question is, do you.. Do you think it's too late for me?

Diane: What?

BoJack: I mean, am I just doomed to be the person that I am? The The person in that book? It's not too late for me, is it? It's— It's not too late Diane, I need you to tell me that it's not too late.

Diane: BoJack, I—

BoJack: I— I need you to tell me that I'm a good person. I know that I can be selfish and narcissistic and self-destructive, but underneath all that, deep down, I'm a good person, and I need you to tell me that I'm good, Diane. Tell me, please, Diane. Tell me that I'm good.

(Bird calling)
(Harper giggling distantly)

Man: Hey, aren't you the horse from Horsin' Around?


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