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Season 1[]

BoJack Horseman: The BoJack Horseman Story, Chapter One[]

BoJack: I parked in a handicapped spot, I hope that's okay.
Charlie Rose: You parked in a—?
BoJack: I'm sorry, disabled spot. Is that thepropernomenclature?
Charlie Rose: Maybe you should move the car.
BoJack: No, I don't think I should drive right now. I'm-I'm incredibly drunk.
Charlie Rose: You're telling me that you're drunk right now?
BoJack : Is it just me, or am I nailing this interview? I kind of feel like I'm nailing it.

BoJack: Charlie, listen, y'know, I know that it's very hip these days to shit all over Horsin' Around, but at the time, I can tell you—Is it okay to say "shit?"
Charlie Rose: Please don't.
BoJack: 'Cause I—I think the show's actually pretty solid for what it is. It's not Ibsen, sure—but look, for a lot of people, life is just one long, hard kick in the urethra. And sometimes, when you get home from a long day of getting kicked in the urethra, you just want to watch a show about good, likable people who love each other. Where, y'know, no matter what happens, at the end of 30 minutes... everything's gonna turn out okay. Y'know, because in real life... Did I already say the thing about the urethra?

BoJack: You sleep on my couch and you don't pay rent. I've had tapeworms that are less parasitic. I don't even remember why I let you stay with me in the first place.

BoJack: "Neigh way, Jose!" I improvised that line. I mean, it was scripted, but I gave it the ol' BoJack spin.

Todd: Are you drunk?
BoJack: Todd, I weigh 1200 pounds. It takes a lot of beer to get me drunk. [pan out to reveal multiple empty bottles and cans of alcohol]
BoJack: Yes.

Princess Carolyn: So, are you available for Tuesday, or are you gonna be too busy masturbating to old pictures of yourself?
BoJack: I told you, that's not what was happening that time. I was masturbating to what the picture represented! You walked in at the worst possible moment.

BoJack: [on Mr. Peanutbutter] He's so stupid he doesn’t realize how miserable he should be. I envy that.

BoJack: I'm responsible for my own happiness? I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast!
[In a flashback, BoJack is shown trying to pour cereal into a bowl. Only a few pieces come out at first, but then all of it comes out, overflowing onto the table.]
BoJack[groaning] Todd! I need help!

BoJack Hates The Troops[]

BoJack: Maybe because you're skinny and maybe 'cause you're pretty, you're used to getting away with things! But I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others, and I hate you! And you are a horrible person! And you not understanding that you're a horrible person doesn't make you less of a horrible person!

BoJack: Oh, not the sneezing pic—Why do they always use the sneezing picture?!

BoJack: You left them totally out in the open! That’s hiding? How did you survive in Afghanistan?!

BoJack: Yes, I ate all the muffins, because I have no self-control and I hate myself!

BoJack: Yeah, there were exactly twelve! I ate twelve muffins, and I didn't even want one! There's your goddamn news story, the mystery of my missing goddamn self-respect!

BoJack: I don't agree to that. Maybe some of the troops are heroes, but not automatically. I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks. Most people are jerks already, and it's not like giving a jerk a gun and telling him it's okay to kill people suddenly turns that jerk into a hero.
Tom: What? Did you just say that the troops are jerks?
BoJack: ...Oh, you took that the bad way, didn't you?

BoJack: You're a hero. The troops are all heroes, every single one.
Neal: Great.
BoJack: And I don't believe saying that cheapens the word and actually disrespects those we mean to honor by turning real people into political pawns. Also, I am not deeply ambivalent about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military by a nation that claims to value peace telling our children that violence is never the answer while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard.
Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases.

BoJack: Okay, full truth, here we go. You want to know about my parents? They drank a lot. My father was a failed novelist. My mother was the heiress to the Sugarman sugar cubes fortune, and my dad resented her for it. He used to make me cry with him while listening to Cole Porter records. He made me build my own treeouse, and then he tore it down while I was at summer camp because instead of hearty, Christian nails, I used screws, which he called fancy Jew nails. Like I said, totally normal.


Prickly-Muffin[]

[Horsin' Around Set]

BoJack: (as the Horse) Whooooo wants chocolate chip pancakes?!

BoJack: Hey, you see those people?
Young Sarah Lynn: Yeah.
BoJack: Well, those boobs and jerk wads are the best friends you'll ever have. Without them, you're nothing. Remember that.
Crew member: (offscreen) Let’s take it back to "prickly-muffin."
BoJack: Your family will never understand you, your lovers will leave you or try to change you, but your fans, you be good to them, and they'll be good to you.
Crew member:(offscreen) We are rolling. Sound speed.
BoJack: The most important thing is, you got to give the people what they want, even if it kills you, even if it empties you out until there's nothing left to empty. No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, you don't stop dancing, and you don't stop smiling, and you give those people what they want.
Crew member: (offscreen) Action!
BoJack: (as the Horse) Why aren’t you dressed for school, prickly-muffin?

BoJack: Yeah, it's me, straight off your TV screens and into your shitty lives!

Live Fast, Diane Nguyen[]

BoJack: Closure is a made-up thing by Steven Spielberg to sell movie tickets. It, like true love and the Munich Olympics, doesn't exist in the real world. The only thing to do now is just to keep living forward.

Season 2[]

Yesterdayland[]

BoJack: Slap my salami, the guy's a commie.


Still Broken[]

BoJack: I'm sorry I accused you of murder, American TV legend Henry Winkler.


The Shot[]

BoJack: I don't cry in front of other people.


Season 3[]

Start Spreading The News[]

BoJack: Why did you say the thing about the boat?
Heather: I don't know, I was being sexy. You okay?
BoJack: Just forget it. You ruined it.
Heather: You want to talk about it?
BoJack: There's nothing to talk about. It was a misunderstanding, that's all. She just walked in at the worst possible... It- It wasn't my fault, right?
Heather: I don't know what you're talking about.
BoJack: On the boat, there was a girl.
Heather: What?
BoJack: In New Mexico. And she trusted me. I keep asking myself if her mother didn't walk in, would I have done it? And part of me is sure that I- I couldn't... but another part knows that's a lie. How do you make something right when you've made it so wrong you can never go back?



Season 4[]

Season 5[]

Season 6[]

The Kidney Stays in the Picture[]

[Doctor Champ opens his eyes, blurry vision comes into focus]

Doctor Champ: Oh, no. Did I really drink last night?

[BoJack starts to speak, and Doctor Champ turns to look at him]

BoJack: Doctor Champ, I am so sorry. I—

[interrupting BoJack] Doctor Champ: Did anyone see me?

BoJack: [solemnly] You were in here all night.

Doctor Champ: [panicking] Nobody can know about this. There are twenty struggling addicts in this building who are counting on me.

BoJack: [stammers] Of course.

Doctor Champ: I am going to go home, take a shower. This never happened.

BoJack: Agreed.

Doctor Champ: But how do I get down from here without anyone seeing me?

BoJack: [sighs]

[Cut to Doctor Champ using bedsheet rope to climb from bedroom window onto the rooftop]

Doctor Champ: [swinging on the rope] Woah

BoJack: Okay, okay, easy.

Doctor Champ: [grunts] This requires a surprising amount of upper body strength.

BoJack: Stop swinging. Just slide down.

Doctor Champ: Am I being inconspicuous? [flailing, kicking legs]

BoJack: Yes. Plus or minus the yelling. [covering his face with his hands]

Doctor Champ: I'm just going to let go.

BoJack: No, Don't—

[both scream, Doctor Champ lands on BoJack's back]

Doctor Champ: Thank you, BoJack, for being there to catch me.

[Doctor Champ runs to his van]

Doctor Champ: Up!

[engine starts, BoJack stares at Doctor Champ as he drives off]

BoJack: [muttering] Ew.


BoJack walks out into the hallway at Pastiches with his belongings and says goodbye as he is getting ready to go home from rehab.]

BoJack: Goodbye fancy room, goodbye chair, goodbye Stinky Susan. [Susan who is standing outside her door smells her underarms in confusion.]



[BoJack goes outside and sits in Cabracadabra cab.]

Human Female Driver: Where to?

BoJack: Um, home. I—I guess.

[They start driving and pass by Bellicans where BoJack recognizes Doctor Champ's van. Upon recognizing it he tells the cab driver to stop there.]

BoJack: Woah, Woah, Woah. Hey! Stop the car! Let me out here.

Driver: Wow, already stopping for a drink?

BoJack: [sarcastically] Thank, you. Your commentary is very helpful.

Driver: Five stars, though right?

[BoJack picks his things, shuts car door, and groans and then he walks inside Bellicans.] [A disheveled Doctor Champ is seen drinking a margarita, BoJack sets his things down and approaches him.]

BoJack: [concerned] Doctor Champ, what are you doing?

Doctor Champ: [drunkenly] OK, this mood about "never having a drop of alcohol again?" Are we sure about this?

BoJack: OK, Doctor Champ, clearly, you—

Doctor Champ: [talking over BoJack with his arms raised] I'm sitting here like "Whatever happened to moderation buddy?"

BoJack: So you're telling me the guiding philosophy of the six months of rehab I just paid for is complete bullshit?

Doctor Champ: [slurring words, touching BoJack's shoulder and face] Hey, man if it works for you, it works for you. As for me, uh check, please!

[bar tender places the check on the counter]

Doctor Champ: No, that's a figure of speech. I don't actually want a check. Please replenish me with another mar-gar. [holds up his glass, gulps the whole glass down while BoJack stares at him]


[BoJack is standing by the bar]

BoJack: [to the bartender] Another club soda, please.

Doctor Champ: [slurred speech, calling out from his table] Nerd!

BoJack: [concerned] Doctor Champ, what is your plan?

Doctor Champ: Just gotta drink enough to be steady. [BoJack walks from the bar with his club soda and sits down next to Doctor Champ.] Then you take me back to Pastiches and keep me out of trouble. That way you don't have to go home and I can be a good therapy horse. All my clients get sober, I'm a winner, put my picture on a magazine. [Doctor Champ slurps margarita]

BoJack: Look, I can't let you go back there drunk.

Doctor Champ: You don't care about me! You're scared of this guy. [He touches BoJack's face and then gets up and starts walking towards the bar.] You can't help anyone else unless you are honest with yourself. Know what I mean?

BoJack: [gets up and follows Doctor Champ to the bar] No. I never know what you mean. In fact, maybe I wouldn't be so scared if you'd given me real therapy over the last six months instead of just plying me with a bunch of folksy aphorisms.

Doctor Champ: I'm not a therapist, I'm a therapy horse, a subtle but legally important distinction. Besides, you wouldn't accept real therapy from me.

BoJack: Oh, and why's that?

Doctor Champ: Gee, I don't know maybe it's because I'm a horse, so I remind you of your father, so you simultaneously resent me and crave my approval, an approval which ironically if granted—

BoJack: [cuts Doctor Champ off] Yeah, yeah. I would dismiss immediately and then use as an excuse to resent you even more, what's your point?

Doctor Champ: My point is you're stunted from having healthy relationships with horses, idiot! [he stands up and slumps back down on the booth]

BoJack: Oh, really? Well, if that were true, I would have almost no other horses in my life.

Doctor Champ: Right, it's as if all your friends are humans or dogs or cats—

BoJack: But wait then how do you explain the one horse I do care about my half-sister Hollyhock, who is also a reminder of my father? If your theory is true, wouldn't I keep her at arms' length, desperate for her to love me but unwilling to be vulnerable enough to allow her to hurt me?

Doctor Champ: You blockhead, she's not your father. Hollyhock reminds you of the horse you hate the most. [Doctor Champ gets into BoJack's face] Yourself. 


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