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These are the quotes from BoJack Hates the Troops, which is the 2nd episode overall of BoJack Horseman.


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"BELLICAN'S"

Bartender: Say "when."

(PAUSE)

BoJack: When.

Pam: (on the phone) Yeah, you'll never guess who's here—Think '90s—No, BoJack Horseman from Horsin' Around—No, I mean, he got a little fatter, but it's definitely him. He looks really sad. It's hilarious. (laughs) Get over here now.

BoJack: (on phone) I told you, I don't know where it is. Don't put things in my butt if you want them back.

Laura: And hold for Princess Carolyn, please.

BoJack: Thanks, Laura.

"When you're walking alone"
"Because Jellicles are"
"And Jellicles do"
"Jellicles do and Jelli—"

Princess Carolyn: BoJack, it's your favorite agent.

BoJack: Yeah, some agent, you couldn't even get me in the room for War Horse. There were, like, ten horses in that movie. I didn't need to be the warhorse.

Princess Carolyn: Listen, dummy, I want to make sure you're all set for your first day with Diane tomorrow.

BoJack: Is she gonna ask me a bunch of personal questions?

Princess Carolyn: The woman we're paying to ghostwrite your memoir? Yeah, probably.

BoJack: Okay, all right, there's no need to get—

Princess Carolyn: What, catty? Are you gonna say "catty"

BoJack: I was not gonna say "catty."

Princess Carolyn: Oh, what were you gonna say?

BoJack: I was gonna say "catty" because you're a cat.

Princess Carolyn: (not amused) Goodbye, BoJack.

BoJack: Laura, I know you're listening. You got it, right?

Princess Carolyn: Laura, do not respond to him. Goodbye, BoJack.

BoJack: She got it.

Girls: Oh, my God. Take another one. Take another one.

BoJack: Excuse me, [walks to two human girls and a female girl] I just wanted you to know that you ruined someone else's night tonight, and I hope you have enough decency to at least feel a little bit crappy about it.

Pam: Excuse me?

BoJack: I was actually already in a bad mood, but I thought maybe for one night, I could go out to a bar and try to forget about myself, but now because of you and your friends, I feel more self-conscious than ever.

Pam: If we were bothering you so much, why didn't you just leave?

BoJack: Because I didn't think of that, and now I feel stupid.

Pam: Look, I have a right to be here.

BoJack: No! [the chicken girl lays an egg] Maybe because you're skinny and maybe 'cause you're pretty, you're used to getting away with things, but I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others,and I hate you, and you are a horrible person, and you not understanding that you're a horrible person doesn't make you less of a horrible person.

Pam: (beat) You think I'm pretty?


LATER

BoJack: Well, that was another in a long series of regrettable life choices.

Pam: What'd you say? I was tweeting about all the weird stuff you do in bed.


THEME

Pam: Good morning.

BoJack: Ah! Why are you here?

Pam: I slept here.

BoJack: Yeah, but why are you still here?

Pam: Breakfast.

BoJack: That better not be my last Toaster Strudel.

Pam: No, there were three left.

BoJack: Well, get out of here. My memoirist is gonna show up soon, and I don't need you—What's your name?

Pam: Pam.

BoJack: I don't need you Pamm-ing up the place when she gets here.

Diane: Hey, BoJack.

BoJack: Ah! Why are you here?

Diane: You told me to come at nine.

BoJack: That doesn't sound like me.

Diane: I have your email right here. "Diane, why don't you come over Tuesday morning at nine? Also, you should bring this email with you, because I might not remember it, because I just took a bunch of horse tranquilizers, ha-ha. Also, please don't put in my book that I use horse tranquilizers, ha-ha. I just use a small dose to help me fall asleep at night and then a much, much larger dose to get me through the day. Also, I'm drunk. Also, I'm alone, so alone, so, so alone. Please don't put that in my book, book, book, book—'em, dildo. Does it taste like magenta in here?" Then I think you fell asleep on the keyboard because it just says the letter "b" twenty-seven times.

BoJack: That does sound like me. Well, anyway, this is my—business-person—

Pam: Excuse me?

BoJack: Here to help me with some business needs. All very above board.

Pam: Uh, what'd you say?

BoJack: No need to mention her in the book either, unless it's a business book.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Ha ha, classic BoJack.

BoJack: Why are you here?

Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, funny story, I'm filming a reality show later, so I thought I'd drop by with the old tennis ball and chain.

BoJack: That is neither funny, nor a story, nor a reason for you to drop by.

Diane: Aw, he just wanted to come over and brag about his reality show.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Get this, I am starring in a pilot presentation for a celebrity reality show. It's pretty cutting edge, huh?

BoJack: Yeah, if it's 2003.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Ha ha. Don't tell VH1 that. Seriously, though, please don't tell VH1 that. We are calling it Peanutbutter and Jelly. Get it? Because I'm Mr. Peanutbutter.

BoJack: Okay, who's jelly?

Mr. Peanutbutter: No, no, no. It's like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It's wordplay.

BoJack: You may have too forgiving a definition of the word "wordplay."

Mr. Peanutbutter: Well, it's a working title.

BoJack: Well, it could be working harder, and that's wordplay. How'd you even get in here?

Diane: Your roommate let us in.

Todd: "Mi casa es su casa."

BoJack: And that is the last of the Toaster Strudels, and now my morning is ruined.

Todd: Could you guys keep it down, okay? I'm kind of on a date right now. (speaks Japanese) "In America, I am actually considered very handsome."

BoJack: Okay, I'm gonna go get breakfast, and when I get back, I want everyone out of my house except for —you and you and—Who are you again?

Pam: The girl you had sex with.

BoJack: Right. You definitely should have already been gone.


CUT, "J'VON'S"

Poodle Lady: I really shouldn't eat chocolate 'cause it can literally kill me.

Corgi Lady: Oh, I know.

Poodle Lady: But I love chocolate.

Corgi Lady: Story of my life.

[Both laughing]

Neal McBeal: Hey, excuse me.

BoJack: Yes, I am BoJack Horseman, star of Horsin' Around.

Neal McBeal: Yeah, okay, I don't care. Those are my muffins.

BoJack: I'm sorry, I—I don't understand. Did you bring them into the store with you or?

Neal McBeal: No, but I was going to buy them. That's the last box, and I had dibs on them.

BoJack: Really? You had dibs?

Neal McBeal: Yeah, dibs. I just put them down for a second while I went to the bathroom.

BoJack: Look, I don't even want the muffins. I was just looking at them, but I got to say, if you put muffins down, they're not your muffins.

Neal McBeal: So what, I was supposed to take them into the bathroom with me?

BoJack: You didn't even put the muffins in a cart. You just left them out here.

Neal McBeal: Yeah, in the produce section. Clearly, muffins aren't supposed to be in the produce section. That wasn't a sign to you that maybe someone else had dibs?

BoJack: Look, I don't want to get into a whole thing here.

Neal McBeal: Then give me the muffins.

BoJack: No, 'cause maybe now I want the muffins.

Neal McBeal: You think that because you're a pseudo-celebrity, normal rules don't apply to you?

BoJack: Pseudo?! Would you say that to Eric McCormack? Look, I've had a rough morning, so I don't need—

Neal McBeal: You've had a rough morning? I spent the last ten months—Hey!

BoJack: Sorry, wasn't listening. See ya'.

Neal McBeal: You're going to regret this, BoJack Horseman.

BoJack: Oh, really? I'm gonna regret buying muffins? What, have they got a lot of saturated fat in them? Oh, man, they do have a lot of saturated fat. Why'd I buy these?


LATER

BoJack: Man, I really regret buying those muffins and then eating them all on the drive home.

Todd: Well, my date with Ayako went really well. Thanks for asking.

BoJack: I specifically didn't ask, and I'll thank you to respect my total lack of interest in your personal life.

Todd: She's hilarious. I never met a girl who was so curious about American bank routing numbers.

BoJack: Still not interested.

Diane: Should we get started on the book?

BoJack: What's your hurry?

Todd: What do you guys think I should get Ayako for our twelve-hour anniversary? She wants a framed picture of my mother's maiden name.

BoJack: Okay, let's get to work.


Diane: Let's start at the beginning. What was your childhood like?

BoJack: Normal.

Diane: Normal?

BoJack: Yeah, it was, uh, normal—normal childhood stuff.


FLASHBACK

Beatrice: Here's your omelet. I'm sorry it's not as good as the omelets your secretary makes, but then you're not married to your secretary, are you?

Butterscotch: Well, maybe if my secretary also refused to get an abortion, I would be.

BoJack (kid): Mommy, can I have an omelet?

Beatrice: You're the birthday boy.


NOW:

BoJack: Normal childhood, and then just get right into the big, famous part.

Diane: Look, if you're not ready to talk, we can wait

BoJack: I am ready to talk. Why wouldn't I want to talk about my parents? They're so normal. That's crazy. You sound like a crazy person, not me. Stop being so crazy, crazy. Why are you calling me crazy?

Diane: Okay. Was your father—

BoJack: Hold on, I got to take this. Hello?

Laura: Hey, BoJack, I've got Princess Carolyn for you. It's urgent.

BoJack: Great, put her on.

Laura: Just a sec. I'll see if she's available.

"When you're walking alone"
"Because Jellicles are And Je—"

Princess Carolyn: BoJack, are you watching MSNBSea right now?

BoJack: Great question. Well, I didn't fall down on my remote, randomly changing the channel to MSNBSea while simultaneously crippling myself, thus physically forcing me to watch MSNBSea, so no. No, I'm not watching MSNBSea right now.

Princess Carolyn: Yeah, well, Hamlet, you might want to turn it on. They're talking about you.

BoJack: Ooh! Good things, I hope.

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo:["live on MSNBSea"] Our guest via satellite is Neal McBeal, a naval officer on leave from Afghanistan. Welcome to the program, Neal.

Neal McBeal: Thank you, Tom.

BoJack: Hey, I met this guy.

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: All Neal wanted when he got home and I emphasize, from Afghanistan was his favorite brand of breakfast muffins. When he went to the supermarket and called dibs on the last box -- Well, tell us what happened, Neal.

Neal McBeal: BoJack Horseman, from the '90s sitcom Horsin' Around, refused to respect my dibs.

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: Have you no shame, BoJack Horseman? Seen here sneezing at a Christmas party.

BoJack: Oh, not the sneezing pic—Why do they always use the sneezing picture?!

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: In the '90s, we laughed at your antics. Oh, how we laughed. "Ha ha ha," we chortled in rapturous glee. But when you deny the dibs called by our men and women on the frontlines, that is a sick joke, sir. A sick, sick joke, indeed, and you'll forgive me if I chortle no longer, for to me—there is nothing the least bit funny about stealing a meal from Neal McBeal, the Navy Seal. [blows out water]

Todd: Wait, wait, you stole muffins from a Navy Seal?

BoJack: I didn't know he was a Navy Seal. I just thought he was the regular kind of seal.

Neal McBeal: This is classic Hollywood elitism. BoJack Horseman thinks that because he was on TV, that makes him better than everybody. Well, guess what, BoJack, now I'm on TV, so now I'm better than everybody!

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: That's right, Neal.

BoJack: You didn't even have dibs, you stupid sea cow. You guys think I should call in and set the record straight?

Diane: BoJack, these people feed off controversy. If you dignify the story with a response, it's just gonna fan—

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: I'm now receiving word that we've got BoJack himself on the phone.

BoJack: Sorry, stopped listening. You were ramping up to a "yes," right?

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: BoJack, what you did today was a slap in the face of America's heroes. Will, you, apologize?

BoJack: Okay, enough about America's heroes. Can we talk about dibs? Because he didn't even really have dibs. If he had legitimate dibs—

Neal McBeal: Oh, I had dibs on the muffins. I hid them in the produce section!

BoJack: You left them totally out in the open. That's hiding? How did you survive in Afghanistan?

Neal McBeal: Those are my muffins! You give me back my muffins!

BoJack: Hey, guess what, I can't give them back 'cause I ate them all, okay?

Todd: Dude.

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: Hold on, just to be clear, since this morning, you ate all the muffins?

BoJack: Yeah, I ate them all in one sitting because I have no self-control and I hate myself. Is that what you want to hear?

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: Neal, was it a small container of muffins, like two to four muffins?

Neal McBeal: No, Tom, there were a good deal more than that.

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: Can you remember exactly how many muffins were in the box?

BoJack: Yeah, there were exactly twelve! I ate twelve muffins, and I didn't even want one! There's your goddamn news story, the mystery of my missing goddamn self-respect! How'd I come off?

Todd: Well, that went slightly better than the worst it could have possibly gone, so—hooray?


BoJack: It's not even about the muffins. Everyone is just out to get me because I'm famous and so well-adjusted.

Diane: Well, at least you've got some privacy. My boyfriend's filming a reality show at our house. If I want to be alone, I have to go to the roof because it's the only place they don't have insurance to film.

BoJack: You go on the roof?

Diane: Yeah, just to get some work done. Is that really weird?

BoJack: No, it's adorable.

Diane: When I was a kid, I used to climb onto the roof with my dad and look at the stars. What about you? Were you close with your father?


FLASHBACK

Young BoJack: Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

Butterscotch: What is this supposed to be, a Lima bean?

Young BoJack: It's a heart.

Butterscotch: That's some shoddy craftsmanship, son.

Young BoJack: I tried my best.

Butterscotch: No, you didn't. You slacked off and took the easy way out. In this world, you can either do things the easy way or the right way. You take a boat from here to New York, you gonna go around the horn like a gentleman or cut through the Panama Canal like some kind of democrat?

Young BoJack: Um, the canal?

Butterscotch: (slaps his son) You go around the horn the way God intended!


NOW

BoJack: Uneventful.

Diane: What?

BoJack: What?

Diane: I asked if you were close with your father, and you sat here in silence for five minutes and then said, "Uneventful."

BoJack: You know what, this is a really good conversation, and I definitely want to keep having it, but I just keep thinking about the muffins thing, so maybe we could put a pin in this thorough deconstruction of my past, so I can put that other thing to bed before it spirals out of con

Neal McBeal: [on TV] I had dibs! My dibs were on those muffins!

BoJack: Your dibs were void!

Neal McBeal: I spent a year in Afghanistan making America safer, and this is the thanks I get?

BoJack: Really, you, specifically, made America safer?

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: Well, BoJack, surely, even you would agree that the troops are heroes.

BoJack: I don't agree to that. Maybe some of the troops are heroes but not automatically. I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks. Most people are jerks already, and it's not like giving a jerk a gun and telling him it's okay to kill people suddenly turns that jerk into a hero. [Beat] What?

[PAUSE]

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: Did you just say you think the troops are jerks?

BoJack: Oh, you took that the bad way, didn't you?


BoJack: [on TV] "I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks." No, no, no.

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: The troops are jerks?

BoJack: Oh, God. [on TV] "Most people are jerks already, and it's not like giving a jerk a gun—"

BoJack: Hello?

Laura: Princess Carolyn needs to talk to you immediately.

BoJack: Great, put her on.

Laura: She's actually just getting out of a meeting. Can you hold for a sec?

BoJack: You called me.

"When you're walking alone"
"Because Jellicles are And Jellicles do Je"

BoJack: Ugh.


["LIKE AN HOUR LATER"]

"Jellicles would And Jellicles can"

Princess Carolyn: BoJack.

BoJack: Ah!

Princess Carolyn: I'm gonna level with you, honey. This whole you hating the troops thing is not great.

BoJack: I don't hate the troops. I just hate one specific troop. I don't even hate him, really. I just think that he's wrong about the muffins.

Princess Carolyn: I know, BoJack just like always, you're right, and everyone else is wrong. But if you don't swallow your pride, this is never gonna let up. I know you're stubborn—

BoJack: I'm not stubborn. I'm proud.

Princess Carolyn: That's kind of the same thing.

BoJack: No, it's an important distinction.

Princess Carolyn: Okay, fine. You're not stubborn. But I'm about to tell you something very important, so I want you to listen carefully. I'm getting another call. I'm gonna have to put you on hold.

" When you're walking alone"
" Because Jellicles are"
" And Jellicles do; Je— "

LATER

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: It is now day three of the great "BoJack jerk-off"—Really? That's the name we came up with for this? Who came up with that? Was it Randy? Did Randy come up with that? Anyway, the former television actor who hates our troops has not left his home since his controversial remarks on Monday about how he hates the troops.

Bear: ["BoJack's views are unBEARable"] BoJack Horseman makes me sick. He voiced his opinion, even though it was unpopular, and that's the most cowardly thing a person can do.


[LIVE, "Some girl who slept with BoJack Horseman"]

Pam: After we made love, he covered himself in sheets—like an Arab.


Joan: (TV) At this very moment, Congress is voting on a major education bill that could completely restructure the—


Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: Joan, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but we've got some big news on the BoJack Horseman front. It appears that BoJack's Lexus is coming out of the garage. This is very big news, indeed.

Reporter: Any comment on BoJack's controversial remarks this week?

Todd: Uh, nope.

BoJack: So where are we going?

Todd: Don't worry, I've got a plan.

Diane: Whoa! Jeez.

Todd: Ayako, hey, I need you to get me three tickets to Kyoto.

Ayako:(speaks Japanese) "You son of a bitch! You told me you were an obscenely rich American entrepreneur. You had eighty dollars in your bank account."

Todd: Hey, I meant I was rich because I have friends like George Bailey.

Ayako:(speaks Japanese)"Eighty! Who the shit is George Bailey? Do you have any idea how much work went into scamming you? George Bailey!"

Todd: Hello? Well, I'm out of ideas.

Diane: We can hide out at my place while we make a plan.

BoJack: Yeah, great, just get me away from the cameras.


Mr. Peanutbutter's house

BoJack: Do we really need to be filming this?

Mr. Peanutbutter: It's for my reality show. You never know when gold's gonna strike.

BoJack: Yeah, gold doesn't strike.

Mr. Peanutbutter: That's why you never know.

Princess Carolyn: BoJack, be nice.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Just pretend they're not there.

BoJack: Okay. Well, I—

Boom Mic Man: Could you speak up, please?

BoJack: I'd like to—

Boom Mic Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's too loud.

BoJack: I want to fix this as quickly as possible. I don't care who was right about the muffins anymore, even though I was definitely right. I just want my privacy back, so I can finish writing my tell-all memoir, so everyone will pay attention to me again.

Princess Carolyn: I've already reached out to the McBeal camp. He's willing to publicly forgive you if you publicly apologize and present to him a box of muffins as a symbol of your great admiration for the American military and everything they do.

BoJack: But I ate the muffins.

Princess Carolyn: I know. We got another box. It's in the cupboard.

BoJack: Oh, you were saving those? I ate those too.

Princess Carolyn: We've been here for ten minutes! It's okay, we'll get more muffins.

Todd: I'll get the muffins, and they're on me. I just found out I got 80 bucks in the bank. I'm helping! Hooray!

BoJack: So where are we gonna do this? Do I have to go on MSNBSea?

Princess Carolyn: No, we should do it somewhere people will actually see it.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, why don't you do it on Peanutbutter and Jelly?

BoJack: You can't call a show Peanutbutter and Jelly -- if there's no jelly.

Mr. Peanutbutter: It's a pun.

BoJack: It's not a pun if it only works one way.

Princess Carolyn: Is this a necessary conversation to be having right now?

Mr. Peanutbutter: Look, I know tempers are high, but let's not take it out on the great title for my reality show, which we all agree is really clever. We can edit this to make me look smart, right?


" Yeah "
" Peanutbutter "
" Come on "

Mr. Peanutbutter: How's this look? Looks good? Okay.

Man: Marker, sound, speed.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Well, here I am, hanging out with my good friend -- BoJack Horseman, enjoying each other's company, as we often do.

BoJack: Yes, this is all very authentic and natural.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, someone's at the door! I will see who it is. Wow, this is a surprise. Neal McBeal.

Neal McBeal: Hello, sir. Thank you for inviting me into your home. It is lovely.

Mr. Peanutbutter: BoJack, is there anything you'd like to give Neal McBeal?

Neal McBeal: Ahem.

BoJack: Oh, yeah, Todd? What the hell is this?

Todd: I tried to buy the muffins, but my bank card got declined for some reason. But don't worry, I still saved the day because I found this bag of stale hamburger buns.

BoJack: I'm sorry?

Todd: Yeah, they're just giving them away behind In-'N'-Out. Why does anybody pay for anything? Ow!

BoJack: Uh, Neal, as a token of my admiration, please accept this—bag of stale hamburger buns.

Neal McBeal: What?

BoJack: Yes, hamburger buns. It's a—symbol for how we throw our veterans in the trash, sadly, far too often.

Neal McBeal: I'm listening.

BoJack: We send our muffins overseas, and they come back as stale hamburger buns, but that doesn't mean we should love them any less, because in their own way, aren't stale hamburger buns just as good? Mmm. American made.

Neal McBeal: So what you're saying is, you think I'm a hero.

BoJack: Well, I don't know if I—

Neal McBeal: Say it, BoJack. Say I'm a hero.

BoJack: You're a hero. The troops are all heroes, every single one.

Neal McBeal: Great.

BoJack: And I don't believe saying that cheapens the word and actually disrespects those we mean to honor by turning real people into political pawns.

Neal McBeal: Okay, you can let go of the bag now.

BoJack: Also, I am not deeply ambivalent about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military by a nation that claims to value peace telling our children that violence is never the answer while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard.

Neal McBeal: Yeah, me neither. I think we're in agreement here.

BoJack: Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases.

Neal McBeal: Okay.

BoJack: And finally, I don't—

Man: Hey, look, Mr.Peanutbutter got a bucket stuck on his head.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Guys, guys, where am I? Can someone tell me where I am?

Neal McBeal: Hey, where'd he get that bucket from? Who gave him a bucket? Ha-ha-ha

BoJack: Uh, actually, I had another point I wanted to make.

Todd: Yeah, but who doesn't love a dog with a bucket on his head? Come on. Bucket! Bucket! Bucket!

All: Bucket! Bucket! Bucket! Bucket!

Mr. Peanutbutter: Hey, can anyone find a handle? Oh, thank you, my friend. You're a real hero.

BoJack: Unbelievable.

Mr. Peanutbutter: What's your name, young lady?

Angela: Well, my real name's Angela, but my friends call me "Jelly."

Mr. Peanutbutter: What?! Oh, my God, did we get that? Please tell me we got that.


BoJack: You want a day-old hamburger bun?

Diane: I'm all right. How'd it go down there?

BoJack: You know what the problem is with everybody? They all just want to hear what they already believe. No one ever wants to hear the truth.

Diane: I want to hear the truth. I don't know if you want to tell it, though.

BoJack: What do you mean?

Diane: Mr. Normal Childhood, Mr. Uneventful Father? Look, I can write you the standard empty-calorie celebrity tell-some if that's what you're looking for, but I thought you might want more than that.

BoJack: I do.

Diane: Well, then you're going to have to open up and give me something real.

BoJack: What, you think I can't open up?

Diane: Well, I don't know if you can or not. You certainly haven't.

BoJack: [sighs] Okay, from now on, full truth, warts, and all. You're not gonna make me look like an asshole, are you?

Diane: I don't know, are you an asshole?

BoJack: Okay, full truth, here we go. You want to know about my parents? They drank, a lot. My father was a failed novelist. My mother was the heiress to the Sugarman Sugar Cubes fortune, and my dad resented her for it. He used to make me cry with him while listening to Cole Porter records. He made me build my own treehouse, and then he tore it down while I was at summer camp because instead of hearty, Christian nails, I used screws, which he called: "fancy Jew nails." Like I said, totally normal.


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